Dark skin, curly black hair, these are some of the few things I remember about my father. My parents having divorced when I was two, I have not seen him in over fourteen years.
When I was younger I knew my family was different but did not hurt for lack of a father. It was only when I reached adolescence that I realized the hole my father left by abandoning me. Not an emotional hole, my father had never been around enough for me to love him, but the things he did to my mother stole a happiness from her.
The abuse my mother endured during their marraige made me hate my father when I learned everything he had done. I had never known anger like that, anger enough to want to hurt him, like he had hurt her. However, like most things, time soothed my anger and I was able to feel the real pain, the sadness, and loneliness from never having been loved by him or his family.
Through the years I learned that he had a daughter who was older than me, an older sister. Like me, she and her mother were abandoned by him. For many years I dreamed that she could be the answer to my loneliness. That if I could know her then that would make up for all his wretchedness.
Last summer my half-sister found me through the internet and we began talking online and on the phone. I was overhwhelmed, to say the least. The sister I had been too scared to contact, had found me! We quickly made plans to meet each other at her home.
I soon found out that she was not what I had hoped for and she was remarkably similar to our father in her actions. Our visit together was an enormous let down, as everything to do with my father seems to be.
Wanting to give her another chance, we started planning for her to visit around my birthday. But when the plans fell through and when she forgot my birthday, I knew I could not give anymore of myself to try to make our relationship work.
I had always wished for a bigger family, for more people to be around. But when more people started showing up, I realized how big my small family’s love was. And no amount of people could top that.
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