This, I Believe
I believe in survival. I believe that you really can get through anything if you set your mind to do so. It amazes me how much the human mind can withstand and still keep going. I believe that everyone makes mistakes and that sometimes they need to be made. Mistakes can be a remarkable learning tool in moving forward. I also believe that learning from experience can be a powerful thing and no event is too insignificant.
I am almost seventeen and have had many experiences with making my own mistakes and learning to persevere through them. It has been very difficult at times, but I wouldn’t take back a single day because without them I wouldn’t be the person seen here today. Even though life is challenging now and then I know that this can’t be all there is to it. At least that’s what I hope. The mere fact that I keep going is perhaps solely based on my intense curiosity of what’s next.
The statistics state that about 1.5 million people die of suicide every year. I was almost a part of that number more times than I could ever count for many years of my life. If I wasn’t daydreaming about abandoning my current life for one on the run, I was thinking of ways to leave it in a more permanent fashion. Of course, these thoughts have become more persistent in latter years, but they would come fleeting through my mind occasionally during my younger days too.
The past two or three years especially have been the most trying to get through. Just last month I took one and one-half bottles of sleeping medication during lunch hour Homecoming Week and woke up later in the ICU of North Memorial Hospital with no memory of where I was or how I got there. I had to stay a week being hospitalized and I told the doctors and nurses it was an accident so I could go home. It wasn’t an accident it was a very real attempt, but I wasn’t willing to lose any more freedom than I already had. I had spent a majority of my “golden years” in hospitals, therapy sessions, and the like. I think if I were paranoid before, I’d definitely be terrified of being institutionalized now more than ever. I just got out of being locked away for a year and a half and I don’t ever want to go back, not even for a week or a month. Sometimes this fear I have makes things very difficult for me. I guard the things I say to “the adults” closely. I wouldn’t want to give away anything potentially incriminating. At the same time, however, it’s a double edged sword. I need help, but I am scared of the vulnerability it brings with it.
For now, just getting through each day is enough for me.
I believe in survival.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.