This I Believe

Gina - Norwood, Ohio
Entered on November 8, 2007
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: death

Waking up is knowing who you really are.

Just like the swinging streetlight, flickering in the depths of your lost mind:

Sleep overcomes not only the physical existence of man, but also the troubles of the mind.

Sometimes I think we sleep to forge ourselves away from the lies we tell ourselves, from the reality of life. And even if we walk amongst the day, act as any other, we’re really sleeping… I know I was. I slept for a long time after my 9th year alive. I never wanted to wake again from the dream I had laid out in front of me…

A ringing duce that fills my void is simply “waking up is knowing who you really are.” I used to think up a world, just like this one, but one for me. My subconscious made it happen, my mind wanted to happen… It’s almost psychological. You can actually make yourself believe a lie. And when that lie soon is proved differently, in the face of reality, your dreams disperse into nothing — You even stop breathing for a while, like a blow to the chest, like heartbreak; your whole world crumbles and shatters…

And you can’t seem to pick up the shards that have cut you into so many little pieces. Too small to matter, but big enough to never forget what it did to you.

I experienced this just recently, when I realized life isn’t always as planned. When I was nine, my father had passed away from an aneurysm. It was my first encounter, and realization of death. I think most people, who experience this at such a young age, are traumatized by this act. My views of life began to change, and as I paid more attention to the news, I found out about the killings, rapes, and murders. My childhood reality shattered…

Before I had never understood what my father meant when he said to always watch my back, to never trust a stranger, to never trust your best friend; At least not with your life. I now understand that to keep your life, you must not keep your friends close, but the enemies closer…

Right after he passed away, my mom got with someone else, and this is the person to forged me into my own twisted reality. He was an alcoholic, a drug abuser, and a physical one, too.

He apparently meant a lot to my mother, so I had to let him be; I tired not to think about the things he used to do to us… I tried to think he was something he wasn’t. But that concealed façade didn’t work well on him.

Every blow, sent a shock wave to my inner existence, and each one caused me to grow older than what I had been. I never wanted to be like those other children, who slumped because of bruises on their faces, just because they came in a minute late. So I derived to be different, and do things to let it go. So, in the foreclosure of my mind, I slept.

Forever.

Until someone, something woke me up.

Which didn’t happen for years. Still to this day, it’s as if I am sleepwalking sometimes. I may be here in physical being, but my mind still lingers in the fields of flowers, candy clouds of lullaby. Where the rain, as it falls, so tainted with a crimson hue, whispers stories in my ear. But isn’t that also a faint way to think of reality?

Though, in the years of being so, I was what they called ‘different’. I was morbid, a bit, not saying, ‘oh, we’ll all end up happily!’ I stopped believing that when I was too young. And though being told I should be seeing a counselor or a therapist, I refuse.

You can help yourself. That’s the only way you can get better, is by doing it yourself. And that’s my reality… My belief. Because, subconsciously, “you’ve forgotten the thing that hurt you the most, but the imprint is always there.”

Even if you have forgotten it, the imprints always there…

And even if you’ve slept forever, you’re going to wake again.

Even if you believed who you were before…

Waking up is knowing who you really are…

And we all, without knowing it, hide some inner part of ourselves. We all, not wanting to admit it, awake one day, whether it be naturally, or in the midst of day. And we all, without warning, must face reality.

“You hold the answers deep without your own mind. Consciously, you’ve forgotten it. That’s the way the human mind works. If something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase if from our memories, but the imprint is always there. We’re supposed to try and be real. But, we all wake up one day, don’t we?”

“I linger in the doorway,

Of alarm-clock, screaming monsters calling my name…

Let me stay, where the wind will whisper to me.

Where the raindrops as their falling tell a story…

In my field of paper flowers,

And Candy clouds of lullaby…

I lye inside myself for hours…

And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Don’t say I’m out of touch,

With this rampant chaos –

Your reality…

I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge…

The nightmare, I’ve built my own world to escape…

In my field of paper flowers,

And candy clouds of lullaby…

I lye inside myself for hours…

And watch my purple sky fly over me…

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming,

Cannot cease for the fear of silent night…

Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming…

The Goddess of Imaginary Light… “

Lyrics by Evanescence; Fallen.