This I believe, that physician assistant (PA) school is not for the fainthearted.
More than anything I want to touch the lives of the sick and needy, but I never realized that my training would make me the one who is sick and needy. Studying from sun up to midnight, sometimes later, and only breaking for Gray’s Anatomy is exhausting. However, it doesn’t seem like there is ever a catch up time for this exhaustion. There is no catch up on sleep, no catch up with friends, no catch up on fatigue. Once the time has passed, it is gone and there is more waiting to be studied.
What is the hardest for me is that I cannot make up the time lost with my family. My parents are not in great health and my granny, my best friend, is a fiery 86 year old growing older every day that I am in school. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision to miss out on their lives. In my head I know that I did, but my heart tells me else wise.
My heart is often overwhelmed, not just from the pain of missing my loved ones, but from the disheartenment that I feel after studying so many long hard hours to take an exam and receive an average score. Average is not good enough to get through PA school. It is not acceptable no matter how hard you worked to get that grade. Then the thoughts race; “Am I good enough for this profession?”
Working to be the best you can be and learn all that you can away from the family that you love is a test of desire. I desire to be a PA, but do not desire the depression that is felt when you give all that you have and face 4 exams the week before a board test. How do I keep going? My will. The power of God. The prayers of my family and friends. Telling myself; “If others can do it, so can I.” And I will.
No one said it would be easy. In fact, they said it would be hard. I thought that all it would take is effort to do the work necessary. Boy was I wrong. It takes effort alright, but it also takes a heart, head, and soul to get through the training to enable me, the person that feels so helpless, the ability to help others.
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