As I admire my children and husband at the dinner table, I wonder, “How did I get here?” Life isn’t easy for most people, and I’m definitely in that group. I’ve had experiences I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. But I’ve accepted them. I’ve moved on from them. I did this because one thing never truly faltered, and that is my faith in myself.
When I was a teenager life started to become a bit sticky. I gave up on most things, I even almost gave up my life a time or two, but I didn’t. Despite dropping out of high school and not having two pennies to rub together, I kept moving. I kept breathing. I kept believing that one day things would get better. As I matured, I realized something that most people miss; only I can change my life. Only I could make it better. It’s my choices, my feelings about myself that will create joy or pain. Though I suffered from depression, I didn’t see any doctors or take any medications. Deep down I knew I was strong enough to beat the hurt I felt, to battle with my demons, and to ultimately be happy. Of course I prayed. I prayed every night for lots of different things. I prayed to die, I prayed for strength, I prayed for a knight in shining armor, I prayed for forgiveness, and I prayed for an angel. Maybe those prayers were answered, maybe they weren’t. What I do know is that I did beat my depression because I wanted to, because I knew I had to, and because I believed in myself, even when no one else did.
As I fought my way out of depression, believing in myself continued to be tested at every corner. I asked myself if I could get up and go to work, cook dinner for my family, show my daughters what being a woman truly is. I always answered with a yes. I can do these things because I want to, because I believe I can. To have faith in myself is sometimes the hardest task to conquer, but I continue to find it, no matter what. Yes, I constantly question what I’m doing, but I also never forget that I am strong enough to do anything.
Happiness and faith are first found within. I have faith in myself. That belief is what has carried me through my hard times, and allows me to enjoy the great ones.
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