This I Believe

Margaret - Denver, Colorado
Entered on October 9, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30

I pray, God listens and I am supposed to trust in Him, with everything that I am, to make the appropriate changes for my life. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5,6.

My most recent prayers have been repetitive. “God, please help him, be with him in these times of struggle, give him and his family strength to support him and grant him the courage to make the choices in life necessary for his happiness.”

Just as the clouds broke apart and the sun burned to shine, the thunder initiated its roar. The man I had been playing for was placed in hand cuffs creating a difficult system of communication for us. On Tuesday, October 2nd, he will stand in front of a judge to review the charges being held against him. I want to be there to support him, but in our situation time together is nearly impossible. Right now all he wants to do is push me away.

Honestly, it does not seem fair with all we went through. It feels like some cruel joke. Does he remember how many days my life came crashing down for him? Too many, now I cry on every cloudy day. I expect he will proceed to do the same when he realizes the grey walls confining him to his cell grow colder with out me around. All he will have left are memories replaying in his head.

After this awakening to reality of the situation I looked to God. Why did He do this? How can He destroy not one life, but many? It is impossible for my questions to be answered? I have been wondering, what in my heart did I really want for Don? It frightens me to think that in the deepest parts of me I wanted him gone. If that was true why in heaven would God listen to me?

Alone I sat on Jesse’s porch. He saw me sitting and came to join me. I told him what had happened and that I couldn’t understand how my prayers had led to such a great amount of disaster. He smiled with wisdom and simply stated that God grants our wishes in ways we do not expect. I told him that maybe God just wasn’t listening and again he smiled. He continued to say that God always listens, but often we don’t understand the outcome until the end and that God works His glory to our best interest.

Without speaking I pondered these words and realized the truth with in them. I may be in a two year slump, but from all of the pain I have learned so much about God, life and myself. People tend to focus on the bad and blame God for disappointment. Looking back I see the horrible things I have done, but I also see the person I am now, the closeness with my family my past behavior has provided and the people I have grown to appreciate and love. You see God knows me. He knows each of my actions, thoughts, words and prayers long before I do; however, the hard part is understanding how He interprets our prayers and needs and how we benefit from His work.