Let me start by making a simple distinction between humans and dogs. Humans are much much more intelligent than dogs. So when people start blabbing about how dogs are man’s best friend I have a hard time stomaching it. Frankly, they aren’t.
This I believe: man, not dog, is man’s best friend.
I used to think dogs were great. They were cute and cuddly, they licked your wounds, and other neat stuff. Unfortunately I was mistaken. This is merely how dogs are portrayed by the media.
I came to this realization when I got a dog of my own. To list all the faults of my dog would take several years, we’d all have long white beards, and be severely dehydrated. So let me focus on just a few of the most heinous crimes committed by my “best friend.”
First of all dogs are filthy. Even if you clean them they will just go back to the yard, dig a hole and plop down in it as an act of defiance, almost to say “Ha-Ha owner, you’ll never clean me.”
The worst part is when dogs then come marching through your house tainting everything in their path with their filth.
There is nothing worse than going to bed after a long day only to find your sheets covered with dirt and dog hair while your “best friend” scampers out of your room.
No, a best friend would not do this to you.
A best friend would also not abandon you in your time of need. On May 30, 2007 I had ACL surgery. For several ensuing weeks I was confined to my couch for fifteen hours a day, in a delusional state induced by a mixture of oxycodone and percocet.
While my friends were at school, and parents at work I began to get lonely. One day I decided to get some food. I managed to hobble to my kitchen and grab a box of Wheat Thins and a tub of cream cheese.
Lo and behold, who conveniently decided to meander my way? My ‘best friend’, Stella.
Tail wagging, ears perked, she took her post at the foot of the couch. My loneliness got the best of me and I shared my Wheat Thins with Stella. We polished off the whole box and enjoyed half an hour of “The Young and the Restless” together. I was no longer lonely.
But a strange thing happened when all the Wheat Thins were finished. Stella left. She promptly stood up, looked at me as if to say “suckerrr,” and probably went upstairs to make my bed as dirty as she possibly could.
Now I ask you, would a true best friend do this? No.
My human best friends came over later that day. They brought me a batch of brownies and Apocalypto. They even stayed with me after both were finished.
We all embraced as they left, and exchanged vows of love and devotion to each other.
Now that is friendship.
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