THIS, I BELIEVE WAS MEANT TO BE…
Now that I am of the “age”, I can look back on my life and wonder what the HELL happened! What did I ever do to deserve all that crappy things that have happened.
I’ve had five surgeries, two of them major, and under emergency circumstances. One, leaving me with nerve damage to my tongue. One medical procedure that felt like a lightening bolt went through my leg. I’ve been audited by the IRS twice and have survived a high speed motor vehicle accident. I’ve had 2 failed pregnancies and grieved for the babies that never were to be. I know what it is like to be shunned by classmates. To feel friendless and alone. To contemplate suicide. To loose my home. To loose my Father, my favorite companion as a little girl. To see him everyday and wonder where my Daddy went. I have been through three long, painful divorces and have been in way too many courtrooms. I’ve heart my heart broken to the point, I never thought it would ever heal. I know what it’s like to live everyday, every minute in pain pondering the decision whether to medicate to the point of not caring or to endure the pain and remain functional.
My life has forced me to confront my God and myself. I do not believe I was ever so evil a person to deserved to be punished like I have been. I no longer appreciate the cliché phrases such as “you’ll be a stronger person for this” or “God will only give you as much as you can handle.” I think I was a strong enough person before any of this. I didn’t need harsh life lessons to make me stronger. I have even taken the high road – “Well, maybe along the line, someone benefited by my struggles” or “ I’m a role model” Hah! I sincerely believe these phrases offered little to counteract what I’ve been through.
I have told people my story and watch their jaws drop. I had a Pastor literally say, “I do not know what to say.” I think my story is worse to hear than to live through. I felt sorry for him.
Am I bitter and angry, you wonder. No, for some incredible reason I am not. I do not understand why my life has played out this way. Could it have been better – well, of course, but it hasn’t been.
But I know what faith and hope is. I know what friendship is really about. I also know it could be worse. If survival is the Ultimate Gift, I claim the prize to me mine!
But, I guess this is meant to be…
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