Meeting someone that “wows” (as I would say) me doesn’t come too often. So needless to say I was “wowed” by him in every way. After a 3 hour phone conversation with him, I hung up feeling like I had a breath of fresh air and ready to conquer the world. I have never met anyone who has made me feel as good as he did, in just one phone conversation. I wasn’t sure if I found a friend for life or my soul mate. Either way I was ecstatic. When you start dating someone people say things like “the novelty wears off after a while” or “he/she is too good to be true”. I actually believe there’s a bit of jealousy in those words. I wanted to prove everyone wrong, especially myself.
After all this time, the novelty is still there. I wake up everyday thinking about him and go to bed at night wondering how his day went. I still get the butterflies right before seeing him and the elevated heartbeat with a slight touch of the hand. I believe I have proven myself wrong about such novelties. While we are not in the right place together at this point, I believe time will agree to it eventually. Call me a hopeless romantic and I might agree with you. But here’s where the regret comes in. I use to think that I couldn’t be open and honest about certain aspects of my life or I would lose the one person that I love. I thought to myself, no one would ever want that to happen. Well the truth is that it’s proved only one thing: that I became a liar. I lied to myself and to the people around me, about my position in life. I’m not justifying the lying but I never lied about my feelings, they were always genuine.
I have always settled for less in life. So the expectations for myself weren’t as big as they should’ve been. I often wonder if that’s why I was pushing the one person that I love out of my life. Was it subconscious that I felt I didn’t deserve him? Everyone knows I wouldn’t do that to someone I love, it’s not my nature. I have tried so many times to elucidate the reason for lying and there will never be a good one. It’s not worth the outcome. I consider myself an intelligent woman, who has a lot to learn. But I learn from my mistakes in a very ill-fated manner. I would never risk so much in life again, especially over the mendacity I have created.
I believe we all need to face the truth in ourselves in order to be truthful to others. I have considered many times why I would risk so much in life and have concluded that I was scared of the judgments others would make of my life, past and present. Not facing the truth that the past is what it is: the past. And my present situation is the present. But I can determine that destiny. Changing my destiny is what needed to be done to live a life full of love and happiness. I have found that crossroad that I believe will change my destiny and I have taken the turn that will hopefully allow this to happen. Nothing is stronger than believing in yourself and accepting the truth of who you are. And now I begin to feel like I can conquer the world again.
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