Sometimes I have a feeling so strong that it overcomes me, causes tears to well in my eyes and my heart to nervously flutter. It’s a feeling that I often try to suppress because I am afraid that people will find it strange and therefore find me strange as well. I also suppress it because I think people will find it unbelievable. In fact, it’s often unbelievable to me. You see, I think God is calling me to do something, something I have yet figure out. I have heard about God calling people all my life. Still, it’s hard for me to conceive that he would be calling me. I am the product of generations of Black Southern Baptist and as a result my religious experience has been filled with people particularly ministers who proclaimed they have been called by God. I had always imagined that a calling from God would be something magical that involved a loud resounding “James Earl Jone’ish” type voice. But to my surprise when God has spoken to me it has not been with a resounding or deafening voice as I imagined. Instead when he calls me, he does so with a non- threatening, unobtrusive, familiar voice. It is my own voice. A voice that has often suddenly and without warning woke me up in the middle of the night, a night like tonight. Although the voice speaks intimately, quietly to my heart, to my conciseness it propells mind into so much thought that I am, forced to leave my bed in the still of the night and frantically search for pen and paper fearing that thoughts will disappear as quickly as they appeared.
How it could be that God with all his infinite wisdom be calling me, DarLena Martin to do his work. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have many faults, my biggest being disobedience an ever persist inability to conform to the norms of life. This disobedient sprit and caused many problems in my life. I am always in a perpetual state of lateness, my bills are late, my work is late, and through no fault of their own my children are late. And then there is my TEMPER, which often leaves me with shameful regrets. Still, with my all my faults I think, I feel I believe, God is calling me.
I have been given many titles during my thirty seven years of life; writer, mother, teacher, daughter, friend and foe just to name a few. I own, most of them proudly, however something in my very my soul tells me I should be most concerned with the fact that I am a vessel of God. I believe God has a purpose for my life and WITH EACH NEW DAY that I GROW OLDER I also grow more anxious, more AFRAID that I will never figure out what my purpose is. As strange as it may sound, I believe that God is calling me, compelling me to discover my purpose. . Maybe it’s an idea that is not as strange as I think. Maybe he is calling us all? Has he called you too?
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