Stay or Go

Paris - Bonney Lake, Washington
Entered on September 24, 2007

Why is it, that the people you love the most are the ones that can hurt you the most? They’re the ones that can make you cry, cringe, feel sick, and ache all at once. To me, my dad was that person. Until I was six years old I barely ever saw anything, but his back. Either he was working, at a bar, or getting high. We were still there though, my mom and I. My mom was up every morning by four o’ clock to make his lunch, before he left for work. Then it was just us.

They finally divorced around the time I was three. Remembering them yelling is still as vivid in my mind, as if it had happened yesterday. The look on my mom’s face was that of “I’ve had enough”, and pain. The look on his face was all anger, nothing else. From that moment on I saw him here and there, until I was six and he got clean and sober. Then it was smooth sailing, I was daddy’s little girl again… For at least a little while.

When I was about twelve I walked out of his house for two and half years. At that point I honestly believed that hell was other people. It instilled the thought in my mind that everyone walks away, that I’ll always see the people’s back’s that I loved. Sometimes they may not come back. I had the feeling that I couldn’t trust anyone again. I thought if my dad would just let me go, then wouldn’t everyone? Some have and haven’t, but I’ve finally learned to not be afraid of someone walking away. Even though it may not be the best thing for me, it might be the best thing for them. Either way every one has to take care of themselves in their own way. That’s what he did, he took care of himself and me the only way he knew how to.

I’ve learned a lot throughout my life with him, even though it’s been hard and at times painful. I don’t have the same fear in my eyes that I used to. Knowing the difference in when to hold on tight to someone or let their hand slip out of mine and let go, as hard as it might be. I’ve learned to be there for the people I love and not turn my back on them, although at times it would make things so much easier. In the end, I believe in people and that there is a reason we do what we do. Not for anyone else, but for ourselves while still being there for others.