When I was young, I would never eat green jello. The cause of this was the movie “Flubber”. In my mind, I equated the title being, who was a gelatinous fluorescent green mass o’ mischief, to being green jello. Needless to say, I realize the error in my thought process, but when you’re seven and you watch a movie, you tend to take more in consideration when going about the rest of your days. To this day, I’m wary of my occasional helping of said snack for the apprehension that it might be alive, and I would harm it… even kill it.
I believe in loving life and happiness. Not because I’m a tree-hugger, but because if I don’t love life, it wouldn’t make sense for me to live. And even with no friends, even with only animals and plants to converse with, even when I was verbally and emotionally backstabbed, even when one of the only friends I thought I had tripped me on purpose and laughed in my face, crushing my hope of being a normal 2nd grader, I wanted to live. I still do. And I want others to live, even if I hate their guts.
And maybe it’s because I was teased that I don’t want to make others’ lives miserable. There were periods in my life when I got stuck on that nice little island called Loneliness, and I was too afraid to befriend anyone because I was afraid of being hurt. But I ended up injuring myself, by concentrating on not being around others. And then, when I was accepted by others who had hauled me away from my antisocial fantasy world where no one hurt me, I would swear to try harder. But I would try to make myself into the type of people as those around me. I didn’t stand up to stop the verbal murder.
Then I realized that I didn’t want to be a backstabbing teenage girl just like one of those who’d hurt me. It happened in 10th grade, and one girl spoke ill about her supposed friend– a close friend of mine. I told her that if she wasn’t such a wussy, she’d tell her opinions to those whom they were about. I felt exhaulted, because I’d broken my unwanted vow of silence. Even if I went to the fiery pits of social neglect, at least what friends I retained would know they could always count on me to tell them what I think to their face. I realized then that I didn’t have to hang out with people I disliked– I shouldn’t rain on their parade. And so I surround myself with people that I can be happy with by just being my beautiful self, and that I can make happy.
I want to live my life to the end as happily as I can, then go down singing. I don’t want to dwell on death, however. If I die, I die; it’s a part of life. Everything lives and dies. And who knows what comes after that. But until I do, I will not deny anyone happiness as long as I can help it. Heck, not even that darn green jello.
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