As I sat at my great grandma’s bed side I burst into tears at the thought of what I had just asked God for. My prayer consisted of two totally different requests. One was to let my grandma stay with me for just a little bit longer and the other was to take the pain away so she would not have suffer anymore. I knew that the latter would consist of her dying. I knew the pain would be taken away from her, but I also knew that she would not be staying with me. My stomach turned at the thought of praying for the death of my “Grandma Hazel.”
Grandma was the rock of the family; she taught the family the belief I am sharing right now. She taught us that we couldn’t change what was going to happen and that we had to leave things for God to deal with. Through the whole duration of her death she wanted the family to pray and sing gospel songs with her. She taught me this lesson and left a lasting impression without even knowing.
I found it very hard to pray and leave things to God. In my mind I kept saying “She is my grandma. I can’t see her like this.” As a human I wanted to take control of the situation. I couldn’t see how God could let a woman who had been such a wonderful Christian and special person suffer like she was. I was very angry with God. My grandma through her pain saw this. She talked with me for a long time about why this was happening. Grandma said this was what was supposed to happen. She said she felt like she had done her job for the family and that she was ready to go see Grandpa.
The family saw how God worked the day before she died. Nearing the end of her life she didn’t know who people were and was very confused, but there for about an hour she came back. She knew who everyone was and she asked to have alone time with each of the family that was there. My grandma sat there and told me that she knew this was a blessing from God. She wanted me to understand that God wasn’t against her or our family but that it was simply her time to go. Grandma made it very clear that she wanted me to stay in church and gave me her bible. I still struggle everyday with the feeling of anger towards God. Grandma was a great lose to me and everyone around her. Even though she is gone, I believe that God was telling the family that there really is a reason for everything and that we do have to have faith in Him.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.