If I Could

Anide - Irvington, New Jersey
Entered on August 29, 2007

If I could I would leave my job not because I hate it but because I don’t love what I’m doing; I see this as a job that I need to pay my bills it’s not something I want to do…

If I could I’d give my resignation letter on Monday and enjoy the rest of the summer; however, in a real life I have a car note; school loans; insurance payments and I need to save for my future;

If I knew what my passion was I would leave my job to pursue it…

If I can I’d love to find a job working 8:30am – 4:30pm (or even 8am – 4pm) w/ Friday’s off…and still be making good money.

I’d love to enjoy the lazy summer day’s and the breezy fall day’s and leave work early enough to catch a matinee movie; Leave work early enough to play w/ my nieces and nephews and to go over their homework w/ them;

If I could, I’d like to have enough flexibility in my work location to go w/ my dad to his cancer treatments; If I could I’d enjoy my life; If I could I’d love to have a job that offered me a 4-week vacation;

If I could I’d love to be truly happy;

If I could I’d love be content w/ life;

If I could I’d love to not have to answer to a boss;

If I could I’d love to have the courage to step out on faith; but it doesn’t seem as faith resides in my reality but it does in my fantasies and daydreams and my visions;

If I could I’d love to be bold enough to leave and trust myself;

If I could I’d love to hear God clearly and have him tell me verbatim what he knows I’d be good at or happy doing;

If I could I’d love to enjoy life;

If I could I’d love to enjoy time; the minutes; seconds as opposed to missing the little things because it seems as if I’m always running a mile a minute to no purpose;

If I could I wish I could just understand this thing called life; not to master it; but to enjoy it in all its mundaneness, unpredictability; it’s beauty; and finally come to understand in a way why God put me here…

I believe he put me here to enjoy his creation; to enjoy this life he’s blessed me with; to enjoy his glory and that’s what I want more than anything to have the ability to do what I love w/ no stronghold;

I want freedom to live life fully; freedom to enjoy life freely; and while in Christ I have spiritual freedom; in this world I’m held captive to the systems that tell me that I can’t eat if I don’t work; and even if I’m unfulfilled in what I’m doing it doesn’t matter; because reality tells me everyday as I wake up early in the morning to go the gym to keep my body healthy (that I have to pay for); as I get in the car to drive (that I have pay gas; car payments; and insurance for) to the train station (that I pay the monthly train pass for); as I get my daily cup of joe (that I pay for) as I get into work and pull the 9-6pm grind that makes the money to pay for all these things…

If I could I’d love to be free to be me (whoever that is because some days I’m not even completely sure I know who all of me is?)…If I could I’d make work #10 on my list and enjoy life….MAYBE I CAN JUST DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE TO START? ANY ANSWERS GOD???