I believe that belief is all we have; faith in ourselves and our dreams. It is a selfish belief, yet an essential truth which has been exposed to me through the erosion of death, abuse, divorce, more death, and exile.
I believe life throws you down, but it is what you see while your there that makes you.
I lost alot of my life in a very short time. It all started with the conviction of my eldest brother for abusing his own child, and the effects of my family’s betrayal of hiding the information from me. My mother went a few years after from a slow, struggle of fibrous, which I never recieved any consolation from my family, who is now exiled from each other through ignorance and blame. I am the sole owner of her journals and her inner most thoughts. No one cared to read them, but me. Soon after, I got divorced from my life long partner of 15 years, for reasons of material gains and selfish wants. This was closely followed by my 17 year old nephew getting killed in a car crash. Now I watch as my sister’s family slips into an emotional prescription ladend coma.
I believe I bought this on myself.
When I was a little child, my life was like a storybook. Our family was close, and so very fun to party with. Growing up, I listened to my friends’ tales of parents getting divorced or abused, the blues of music and the sorrow of life never seemed to touch me. I remember wondering how it felt to lose in life. I actually wanted some grief so I could see how it felt. You see, I asked for pain, so I could grow and feel the stroke of life’s blunt hammer.
Now, I am beaten down, yet this is where life is. I always feel alone now. I have built the wall around myself, and I look at everything from a distance; like I am waitgng for it to fall and wither.
I guess,…I believe I needed to tell someone this.
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