My eighth grade school year was intense. That year, I made one of the worst decisions of my life; I turned to abusing my body physically to aid my emotional pain.
I had a very stressful relationship, friends doing drugs, and I was struggling with many other pressures too. All this, with no way to deal with my stress. I tried self-talk, attempting to convince myself that everything would work itself out. When that didn’t work, I turned to my best friends, and yeah, they were good to talk to, but amidst their own problems & being strung out on drugs, none could take away all my pain.
Everyone, well, practically ever girl in my grade, had said that cutting eased the pain and that, aside from most assumptions, it didn’t hurt. Well, not that I’m recommending this at all, but “everyone” was right. Once I started, I continued this for months, on and off. They weren’t dreadful cuts, but enough to get my mind off of the stress. No, I didn’t want to die, and no, I didn’t want attention, so I did it in places, such as my upper thigh, where no one could see. My head knew that I was being stupid, but my heart continued to say it was okay as long as no one found out. I wasn’t addicted or anywhere near that, but I didn’t stop for a while. That is, until I found the answer that had always been right in front of me.
You see, I’ve always gone to church. I grew in up the “Christian Household.” No sleepovers on Saturdays, I had to be at church the next morning. I knew that God was real, but I never lived my life by it. I never turned to Him for help, nor did I put him first in my life. Yeah right, God wasn’t cool. Following him would mean actually having to love, forgive, and accept others. How could I be liked if I believed in something that no one else did?
When I stopped cutting, I was still unhappy. I still cried myself to sleep night after night. Until one night, I just broke down. I remembered hearing a song called “Salvation is here.” The words “We’re gonna be alright, salvation is here” rang in my ears. I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. All this time, when I was focusing so much on myself and how horrible my life was, I was thinking nothing of him. My selfishness amazed me. I felt something that I night that I had never felt before; a warmth on my shoulder, like someone was right here with me. That night I cried and cried, but not of pain, it was of joy and comfort. Ever since that night, I no longer need that razor to satisfy my pain. I have something so much better. I know that I’m not alone, and that my problems and stresses are so small compared to Him. Even if he cannot physically be here to hold me or talk with me, I have faith that He is real and that someday I’ll spend forever with Him.
I believe that faith can bring you through anything.
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