I believe in sunrises, and I have used light from the sun, and from my imagination, first as a substitute for chemotherapy, since then to heal all sorts of ills. My love affair with the sun began on a dreary winter morn. Dull gray pre dawn clouds hovered like a celestial mountain range over still dark Appalachian mountains surrounding my North Carolina home. I sat in my living room crying, my belly still sore from surgery, cancer indicators in my blood still sky-high. I despaired over my relationship with my husband and the impending death of my mother. My belly tightened with terror that I might die before I’d truly lived. My throat convulsed and choked at the imagined slaughters endured by the surrounding mountains. My eyes flooded with remorse at all the things I’d thought were important, that weren’t. What did any of it mean, or matter?
Just then a sliver of silver yellow brilliance shot out from under the clouds, warming their underbelly with a yellow-orange glow. My body tingled; my brain grew quiet. The slight breeze that had begun stirring the trees around me seemed to flow into and through me.
The cloud grew translucent. The brilliance softened into warm yellow-orange, spreading out from the projection of the hiding sun. As the light crept up the cloud curtain, I felt it spreading inside me. My belly warmed as I imagined the sun as my very own generator.
Neon orange flowed into the light pool, creating cascades of gold and lavender heat. My own heat rose in my own belly. Light from the sun flowed upward, spreading like maple syrup, yellow-coral now covering most of the clouds and throbbing in my breasts. Tears of joy flooded my eyes.
A wave of red-orange brilliance replaced the glow, still sweeping upward in an adagio crescendo. Finally a sliver of of fiery red flashed between the clouds and the earth, exploding in joyous orgasmic exuberance.
Then, as that ethereal eternal orb rose in majesty from its night’s journey, quickening the land in its red glow, my body filled with a joy beyond earthly laughter. I knew the answer to my question. What matters, is Just This, Just This.
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