This I Believe

sharon - Los Angeles, California
Entered on June 19, 2007

There’s a voice inside everyone, and I believe that voice should have the opportunity to be practiced.

My happiest moments were the 15 minutes I had on the bus ride going to and from school. Once I got off heaven, I knew it was time for me to return home: a place I called hell. Every day, when I arrived home, I would struggle to find the keys, allowing me an extra 3 seconds outside those monstrous doors. Once I placed the keys where they belonged, I knew there was no more happiness; hell was just a door knob-turn away.

In this hell of mind, my so-called mother played the devil and I was her servant, her advantage, her target, and her daughter.

My mother was my everything; she was my light, my air, and my motivation. That all started to change the day she picked alcohol over her family. She would always leave the house and I would arrive to an empty house, unsurprised by the loneliness I was once again left with. As time passes by, this became my routine which eventually became my life. I had no mother to love; I had no mother to protect me.

I knew that I was strong enough to handle this, but I also knew that she was capable of making me do something I was going to regret for the rest of my life. I didn’t turn to drugs and I certainly didn’t turn to alcohol. Instead, I turned to a place where I could hide, a place that I could run away to, an escape. I lost focus in school and I lost my place in the world. I was so far from reality that I was stuck in my fantasy. My running continued and I couldn’t stop or turn back. I had no life to go back to, I had no home for shelter, and I had no home to find my mother.

However, in the midst of all the hiding and running, I had one thing on one was capable of taking away from me- my voice. My voice kept me alive when I didn’t want to exist, it was my voice that plated the role of my mother when I need her, and it was my voice that brought me out of my misery.

Now I know what I want. I want a life where I won’t let the devil get to me, a life where she doesn’t stand a chance with me. Now I don’t need those bus rides to fulfill my day. All I need is my voice: that beautiful rescue that saved me from being a servant, an advantage, a target, and a daughter.

I believe my voice became the rescue I needed- the rescue that saved me from the dark world I once lived in.