This I Believe

Kelly - san diego, California
Entered on June 18, 2007

I Believe Essay

“You’re a skank, a bitch and a terrible daughter.” Smack! There it is again, a stinging feeling across my cheek, blood dripping from my nose and my cheek starting to swell. But of course, that’s love right? How about this, Smack! Another stinging pain. “Baby I’m so sorry, it won’t ever happen again, I love you. You just make me so mad sometimes and those guys, why were you hanging out with them? Are you stupid? You’re my girlfriend!” You’re hurting me, get off, I say. “Honey we love each other now stop moving” Rape, abuse it’s what people who love you do, that’s just love. My head starts to spin as blood cascades down my body I watch it flow just before blacking out. When I wake up I look down to find that I have stopped bleeding, flushed the vomit down the toilet and put a long sleeve shirt on despite the heat. My mask back on and I feel great right? A swig of water and a handful of pills helps numb the rest of the pain and the alcohol, so familiar it’s great.

In my life of 16 years I’ve gone through more than I have wanted. But we don’t have a choice when brought into this world of who we grow up with and what comes along. I’ve lost my mother and have gained a new one who has only made growing up with her, and my life, a living hell. I’ve seen my father, whom I love more than anything, get treated so badly and I’ve hid my scars and painted myself a mask until little over a year ago. I’ve been hospitalized and have run away from home more than once. I’ve been hooked on pain, tears and a life of chaos. I’ve lost the love of my life and have faltered terribly through the months after. But most importantly I’ve grown stronger. I’ve learned that the easy way out are my addictions and that they will always be there. But I believe the best thing for myself is looking at the horizon, knowing that even though I’ve grown up fast I still have a chance to make the rest of my life better. I’ve become a person of undeniable strength, both emotionally and mentally. Growing up hope was bleak and the concept of living without problems was just a fantasy. But everything that I have been through has shaped me to be the person I am now and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I believe that all of your hardships that you experience in life are there to make you stronger.

There are so many instances in my life where I have reached a point where I no longer care about anything. A point where my life has been too much to handle and suicide just seems to be the best thing. I’ve come to a point where I just can’t take it anymore and everyday is a struggle to get by without tears, with just the ability to survive. But I know that ending my life is the worst thing to do, that I’d be selling myself short and after all this work and pain I owe it to myself to keep going. I believe that hardship makes you stronger, that everyday it helps shape the person that you are to become. That when life is dark you have to remember life is a journey. Things happen and people leave, but you don’t have to. Be the stronger person and keep going. You never know what life holds in store for you and all you can do is keep holding on, with one foot in front of the other. I belive that everyone is worth it.