I believe in the need for healing journeys.
My earliest childhood memories are of looking at a face in the mirror. The face I saw was one that I did not recognize. It was a sad, scared, haunted, lonely face. I avoided the face because it pleaded for answers to the questions “Who am I?” and “Why was I born?” This scenario was a constant recurrence in my childhood. A normal day like any other day, when I would wish that I had never been born. Trying to answer the simple questions created such feelings of overwhelming aloneness that I blocked out all feeling.
Blocking out all feeling is what I learned to do best as a young child. I lived in a lonely, dark, gloomy world where happiness could not be found. I was alone because I was unloved. I was not good enough to be loved. I was forced to spend endless hours in a dark, scary prison. The demons of my childhood lived there.
The demons were the feelings I hid deep within my being. The unfathomable pain created because my parents did not love me. The profound fear I felt because there was no one to count on when I needed to be loved or comforted. The sheer horror I felt at being abandoned and forgotten by my parents because the beer, the bar, the cigarettes were always more important than me. Living in this world of hopelessness was not a choice, but one forced upon me by the very individuals who should have protected me from such torment.
As time passed, I would need to return to the nightmare that was my early life to face the hurt and fear I had kept hidden deep inside. I confronted those demons of my childhood. The adult confrontation resulted in a healing journey. I exposed the buried pain and the insecurities of my childhood. My adult perspective acknowledged the real demon as alcoholism. I discovered I was a person worthy of love. There was realization my parents did truly love me in the only way that was comfortable for them. I walked away from the healing journey a whole person, a determined person. Alcoholism stole my childhood but it would not steal another day.
I now offer encouragement to take those first hesitant steps down the path to embark upon a healing journey. For you can only discover what waits for you at the end by making that journey.
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