This I Believe

Tim - Lynchburg, Virginia
Entered on June 14, 2007

I believe that writing is unnecessary. Essays are basically a waste of time, why write about life when you could be living it. There isn’t really anything important about literature. I mean honestly, would you rather read a boring 600 page book or see an hour and half long movie with actual action?

O.K. so every movie is written first in either novel or screenplay form, that’s merely a technicality. Think about it, authors are only famous for chronicling events that have transpired, none of them actually make those events happen in the first place.

Alright, so I guess JFK, Gandhi, Martin Luther, Shakespeare and Chairman Mao did actually contribute to history, but they don’t count because they’re dead. I mean no modern authors are active in any thing but the imagination. Don’t even try to dispute this point, I know I’m right.

Just because Barrack Obama, Michael Bloomberg, Al Gore, Oprah, Tim Russert, Elizabeth Edwards, Michael J. Fox and Lisa Randall are on all Time’s 100 most influential list does not mean they’re important, I mean come on, anybody can get on that; Other than the President that is. Still these books aren’t really inspirational, the people might be but when did literature ever compel culture?

Okay so the Bible, Upanishads, Torah and Koran separate the majority of the world’s population and are the foundation for much of the conflict across the world; they just got lucky. Karl Marx’s ideas really weren’t all that influential. I’m sure that America would have revolted without Common Sense and the Declaration of Independence. Neither the Gettysburg Adress nor Uncle Tom’s Cabin really affected slavery. The Zimmerman telegram meant nothing. Magna Carta, Smagna Carta. Okay, Ernest, we get it, you like to drink. The Mayflower Compact was really just a red herring. The Prince did not introduce Machiavellian aspects into politics, that was Machiavelli…duh. Somebody else would have come with all the ideas that Erasmus, Aquinas, Aristotle, Hippocrates, Descartes, Hobbes, Calvin, Newton, Locke and Einstein did, their writing them down was not necessary. There really aren’t THAT many words in American Pie. Donald Trump trumps Adam Smith any day. Thoreau did not inspire an American spirit; he just built a house and complained about his taxes. C’mon Faulkner, I was dying myself trying to figure out who was narrating each chapter. Charles Darwin was merely a birdwatcher with an imagination. Freud couldn’t’ figure out why I like sausage on my pizza. Did Dickens know anyone who wasn’t a poor kid in London? There is no way George Orwell was talking about communism, those were farm animals, not people; man you literary types are gullible. Seriously, put down the bottle, old man. Bob Dylan’s words didn’t actually matter, I mean everybody was stoned. Samuel Johnson and Daniel Webster wrote dictionaries, man are they a tedious read. In my personal opinion, the entire Victorian age can be described by the title: Much Ado about Nothing. The Feminine Mystique? Rubbish, women are as confusing as ever in my opinion. Ringo was the real star. Dr. Ruth should’ve written about effective maneuvers for getting free stuff as a senior citizen. Only a Dumas would write about one entire novel about a candy bar and another on a knock-off of The Life of Brian. Sure Jane Goodall is a good writer; compared to the primates she hangs out with. Everybody knows not to stay at hotels in California. How many Henry’s until Shakespeare shuts up. Emily Dickinson knew she was bad; hence why she was published posthumously. Geez, could Tennyson have used How to Write an Epic Poem 101 or what? Upton Sinclair is pretty interesting but completely irrelevant; I mean who gets their meat from the Jungle? Bob Woodward is such a tattle-tale. John Steinback would get bored reading his own book. James Taylor, Chicago, Tupac, Elton John, Johnny Cash, John Legend, The Steve Miller Band, B.B. King, Bruce Hornsby, Musiq Soulchild, Amos Lee and Robert Randolph would’ve all been fine just doing instrumentals. Watson and Crick? Who cares if it’s a double helix, as long it’s working, let it be. St. Francis is an idiot; doesn’t he know that the only bird that reads English is the Bald Eagle? People make a big deal out of Stephen Hawking, but all he did was copy Madeleine L’Engle and change a few words. Seriously, you can stop tolling that bell; we cut you off three hours ago. Romeo was just a teenage boy full of hormones. And whoever wrote the New Testament should know that you don’t kill of the main character at the beginning of the story. Beowulf is a snooze in every language, poet laureates can now officially stop translating it and move on to Herodotus’s grocery list. I still don’t believe you all think that an instructional guide on how To Kill a Mockingbird is a literary classic. Hey Frost, we all walk down roads; we just don’t feel the need to write about our decisions to pick which one. You really don’t want to get me started on Henry James.