I have recently made a decision that affects myself and everyone around me. My decision will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. Notice I call it a decision, not a mistake. In the past I haven’t learned from my “mistakes”. This is one of those things where I can’t wait for it all to be over, not necessarily because I’ll be out of hell but because of what I’m learning as I go and who I’ll be when its all over. I’ve learned that although they might suck, my trials make me stronger. Through everything, I’m learning who I am, who my real friends are and that my parents actually do know a thing or two. I’m learning that life isn’t fair but everything happens for a reason-even to good people.
I was raised in the Mormon Church and although I’m having a hard time accepting and believing its teachings, one thing I strongly believe is that God knows us all personally-better than we know ourselves. He knows out thoughts and desires, he knows our hearts. God would not give us a trial he know we couldn’t overcome. I am grateful for my trials and have no regrets. The outcome will be worth it all and that’s what keeps me going. Even though I’ve lost friends, respect, disappointed my parents and loved ones, I know I’m better off because I’ll come out on top. People might feel sorry for me but I know I’m blessed. People ask me how do I do it everyday, how am I coming to school, how am I ok? The truth is I really am not ok, I’m just a really good liar. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be ok and the hell and the tears are all apart of the process of becoming who I’ll be for the rest of my life. It shapes me.
If you don’t already know the decision, the experience I’m referring to, I’m sure your dying to know. I am 17 years old and 4 ½ months pregnant. I want everyone to know that I love this child with every fiber in my being. So much in fact, I have made the hardest decision I hope I will ever have to make. I have decided to put this baby into a good home with a mother and a father who can give it everything it deserves. Something I couldn’t do as a teen-aged mother who doesn’t know if she’d even get her high school diploma. This trial is a blessing to not only me but my child and the family who has been hoping and praying and trying for years to have a baby. It was meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. This will make me stronger. I know it. This I believe.
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