I never consciously thought, I want to kill myself. I never consciously thought I was killing myself, but I was. I thought that I was young, spontaneous, free.
When I was in eighth grade, my parents first separated. Over the next three years, my parents separated repeatedly. Ultimately, this lead to divorce. By the time my parents got divorced, I was out of control. Throughout my middle school years, I was a teenage girl going through “changes.” Meaning I was on the heavier side with low self-confidence. Upon entering middle school, my town’s four elementary schools merged together. Expanding my class to over four hundred students, and forcing me to make new friends. This adjustment did not come easy to me. I spent the first two years of middle school drifting, trying to find a secure group. Eventually, I found my footing. Even though I began to appear more comfortable in my own skin, my confidence did not rise.
My issues began with my weight problem. I consider myself a smart girl, yet I fell into the exact trap that hundreds of girls do. My food patterns shifted; I went from eating smaller and healthier portions, to barely eating anything, to compulsive eating. As years passed, I began to experiment like “normal” teenagers do. Unfortunately, this coincided with all the wrong timing in my life and I had all the wrong reasons. Days passed by when I floated in and out of oblivion.
As situations escalated, I began to lose myself. I did not know how to deal with my family and friends. There were mornings where I could not force myself to get out of bed. There were times when all I wished to do was sleep for a couple of days or months or years. An anger and frustration began to build up, waiting to come seething out at any moment. I felt trapped inside my own body with nowhere to turn.
My illegal and immoral actions do not need to be defined because they are not what is important. They are what happened. What happens. My actions are the result of having no release. I was harming myself, but I did not wish for my life to be over. I still do not wish to be gone. For the most part, I love life. I just have trouble handling it.
Through all the bad times, through every obstacle, and issue that I have to face and that I am facing, I remember, when I feel as though I have nothing to believe in. I believe that everyone is on this earth to make an impact, and until our impact is made, we will stay on earth. Every night, when I am lying awake, I just remember that I am not done.
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