This I Believe

Irene - Baltimore, Maryland
Entered on May 25, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50

When I was a child I believed I walked with God. I would talk to Him and somehow I felt He communicated back to me. I seemed to understand His impressions on my heart. There was never a question about it. We would even talk about things as I was walking down the street. As I came into my teen years I grew away from this because other people didn’t seem to know Him this way. I began to think that it was delusional to be friends with God. Why did He care to spend time with me? There was really nothing that significant about my life.

My biggest childhood ideal was to be married and have seven kids. I would be the perfect wife, friend and lover both satisfying and completing. I would also be the perfect mother with well disciplined, fine mannered children who were all groomed to aspire.

Well no-one had told me about dysfunction even though I had lived in it all of my life. I was just waiting to be rescued from my unpleasant world by Prince Charming. You know, happily ever after. The children began to come but the hardships of life and the struggle to survive began to shroud all the dreams and desires that I had longed to fulfill. I valued my time with my children, as I still do but all that I had sacrificed was met with their regret that I had ever brought them forth. Maybe I was so covered in my own pain that I could not see theirs.

Yet through all this we still love. We face the pain, we adjust. We laugh through what would make others cry, and I struggle to become who I always wanted to be. Sometimes the struggle takes me far away to another world or place but I realize I will never find myself through escapism. I must find myself here.

I met my friend again. He had actually never left. I was the one who had become indifferent. When I thought no-one cared, He cared. He was there through all the hard times, helping me through, and through all the good times rejoicing with me. I believe that He is unraveling and reshaping my life. He made me beautiful to begin with, but I just couldn’t see. He is helping me to see all the intricacies that make me, me.

I’ve been like the cat that went up the tree but couldn’t get back down. He went up, he can get down, but somehow he becomes apprehensive. I’ve had to overcome the fear that made me feel trapped. My friend has taught me how to turn around and back down the tree. He didn’t pick me up and carry me but helped me to develop new strategies. Now I can run up the tree and I can run back down and this I believe that He’s been my friend simply because He wants to be.