This I Believe

Angelica - Kodiak, Alaska
Entered on May 24, 2007

This I believe

Through most of my younger life, maybe around the ages four through ten, I had almost always looked at the bright side. You could say that I was almost an optimist, but these past years, I have changed.

People have started to put me down more and more. My friends seem to drop me more and more. It seems as though my heart is a pin cushion that’s just taking in every single stab of hurt people throw at me.

Some of the hurt come from insults, but some just comes from the hatred that is thrown at me. I think of myself as a very likable person, and that I do the things I do because I have fun.

I cry myself to sleep most nights, hoping for a brighter future. I think how much more can I take? How long will it take until I finally shut down, and become terminally depressed?

I didn’t start thinking of what I was going to do with my depressed life until the Wyldlife trip I went on during the weekend on May 12-13, 2007. It was like a Christian camp. Although there were a lot of fun activities, there were also some sessions where we read the bible and discussed our lives.

During one of the sessions where we read the bible, one of the counselors did a presentation with an apple. He told us how a lot of people’s lives were like apples and that when they were dropped, they looked fine on the outside, yet they were bruised on the inside. Then he put nails through it saying that those were insults and that when people were insulted that was how the heart felt. Finally, he covered the apple with foil saying that after so many times of being dropped and being stabbed a person will just shut down and stay to themselves.

I was amazed at how great he described it all. All I could think of was, “That is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel like shutting up my heart in and not letting anyone in.” I know that if I were to do that, it would just make matters worse. I would feel more unloved than before.

I am glad to have finally have opened up to people. I believe that no one should ever be hurt this much. I believe that people should never shut up their lives, no matter what they have gone through. I have talked it out with some of my friends, and they believe that I should just persist.

They say that they are here for me, and that they won’t let me fall. I believe in them, and my heart is starting to heal from the wounds. True there will be scars, but at least they will be healed. I believe that in the entire world, no one should ever bottle up their feelings, but most of all, I believe that people will always be there for you. All you have to do is ask.