I once stood in the middle of my farm, with an urgency of finding out who I was, where I was going, and what life really meant. It was late and the stars were sprinkled across the sky illuminating it with palettes of glitter. I remember them; they were home. I sat in total concentration breathing in the calmness of the air, of my being; inhaling, exhaling. With each breath, I decided that every truth, every theory, every bit of education I had earned up to that point should be forgotten. I wanted freedom. I wanted peace.
It was here, amidst acres of bluegrass, that I first discovered the complicated, interwoven relationships which an illustrated God, whose light I question indefinitely, so eagerly throws at our feet. It was here that I first faced death, coming and going, waving at me with an eerie expectancy. It was here that I was awakened to feeling, to living.
I once stood in front of the ocean, facing its subtle vitality. It was late in the night, so late I could not differentiate between the navy pockets of the sky and the dark expansiveness of the sea; they appeared as a splash of color against its canvas. I started running; running toward an eternal grace, a hellish prospect. As the waves frantically grabbed my ankles, I could not think of their icy stings, only the smallness of myself, the ratio of the world to my being. I began circling round uncontrollably, finally feeling free of past hesitations. I could not stop. Tears of the sea splashed against my sun-engraved face, and I wanted to fall into the unsettled serenity. I wanted to feel lost within the realms of this inner contemplation… forever. I remember my entire world empathizing with me that night. I was alive.
It is now I am alive with love, with seeing and believing; with how music makes me explode with a fever of passionate tears. It is now I am alive: I question the unknown with reoccurring solitude; allow myself to get entwined in the battle between dreams and reality. I am addicted to thinking with undefined clarity. It is now I am alive because I feel, and feeling is the only truth that confirms the depth of my being; sings the melody of my existence. This is how I know the greatest feeling is feeling: when something, anything, falls so deeply within my heart it ignites an undeniable emotion that spreads to every inch of my body. It’s evanescent, but I know it’s there; it quivers between the wrinkles of my soul. It returns innocence to me and brings me peace. I believe in this feeling, this peace. With this, I know I am home.
I am alive.
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