On the exterior, it may seem that I am living the perfect life. I have two best friends who I can share anything with, a nice house, loving family, and seemingly everything anyone would ever want. I almost always have a smile plastered across my face for the world to see. But, beyond that smile are a lot of things many people don’t know.
My entire life I have battled with my body. I can remember back to first grade, sitting in Mrs. Evan’s class during circle time, I wouldn’t cross my legs ‘Indian Style’ rather I would sit with my legs in front of me, because I thought they were fat. That is something no 6 year old should be concerned with or even have to think about.
In middle school I went on a diet for Lent. Mind you, I was tiny, my 5’10 and 105 pound frame could barely withstand my eating habits. This so-called diet turned into a full blown problem. I hated who I was. I wanted nothing than protruding bones all throughout my body and a concave stomach. I can remember teachers and counselors intervening and sending me to a psychologist. “Megan, you’re deathly thin, you need help,” is what I heard day after day. I was in complete denial. I lied to my therapist and wouldn’t tell her anything. When I was forced to eat lunch with my counselor at school, I would have a friend come in to distract her so I could dispose of my food. It’s sick. I cannot believe I lived that way for nearly three years.
I got a wake up call freshman year. I was hospitalized in November of 2004. My weight had plummeted to a dangerously low weight. I developed heart palpitations. And I was told that if I kept on going like I was, that I would die.
Right now, I am still struggling. I have my good days, where I love life and want to get well, and I also have my bad days, when I refuse to eat and hate myself completely. Throughout this whole experience so many people have held my hand and assured me that I would conquer this. Someone close to me once said, “You must love yourself enough to get well.” I am still trying to grasp that concept. And I know one day, I will be free of these inner demons that try and take over my life. I believe everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not then it’s not the end.
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