This I Believe

Paula - Grand Junction, Colorado
Entered on May 8, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50

THIS I BELIEVE

In my life, I have learned difficult life lessons. Due to my biggest life lesson, my beliefs and priorities have changed. I believe that the person that I am now is the product of something that happened in an instant and gave me heartache for life. My life changed in a matter of hours by people who didn’t know me. The little person I created, and cared about most in life, was taken from me. I had to learn that no matter how horribly I grieved, and how badly my heart was broken, the rest of the world kept on spinning. At 23, I had not experienced a loss of this magnitude. Sure, my puppy had died from being poisoned, and my cat died of old age, but nothing compares. The death of a child is something no parent should ever have to endure. I remember every detail of that dreadful day like it was yesterday. Too early, too soon, and just not enough time; parents are not supposed to outlive their children. I was not prepared for this outpouring of grief, and there was no manual to follow on how to deal with my loss. I was unable to deal with the depth of despair in the loss of Tarin. She was my daughter, my best buddy, my future, and she was killed tragically at the age of 2 ½ before she could really live and grow. I felt robbed and stripped of everything that was precious to me. Not only did I lose my child, but I lost myself, my fiancé, my sanity, my reasoning, everything changed. I became severely depressed and at the same time emotionally numb; I felt that I would never get past this tragic chapter of my life. I woke up angry every morning; I didn’t want to exist in this horrible world anymore. Grief like this is an isolator – my friends and my family found it difficult to face me. As time went by, I was more and more alone. I have been forever altered by my loss and I will never be the same. The pain has not subsided, just gotten easier to carry around. I still miss her. In June, ten years later, I was blessed with another baby girl. I still think about Tarin a lot, and wonder if she would look like her sister, how my life would be different if she were here, and how she would have impacted the life of her sister. I believe that I am able to go on, even when I feel I can’t. I am stronger now, and I believe in the living.