This I Believe

Han Song (Susie) - Cerritos, California
Entered on May 7, 2007

I Believe In My Mother’s Unforgettable Confession

I have never heard a lovable word from my mother because my mother is a typical and traditional Korean mother, so she is not good at expressing feelings honestly. She is usually used to hiding her emotion to me. In addition, because I was born as a middle child between my older sister and younger brother, that fact always made me feel lonely. She just focused on them instead of me because of her commitment to raise the weak sister and brother. I had to be isolated from them and needed to be stronger than them. Had to be, needed to be. That sorrowful responsibility always bothered me even when I was young. I had to take the obligation to understand everything. I couldn’t remember my mother’s touching with Smooth, gentle hands. All I had to do was just keep staring at mother embracing my sister and brother in front of me. All I could remember is my mother’s back. Just like a gray, stiff rock that stood in front of me. Furthermore, a tiny and square lump of metal was growing in my deep inside at the same time with growing loneliness. The lack of the love eventually made me study harder than before because I thought the only was that I could make her happy and take her concern from them to get good grades from school. Moreover, just in order to hear a praise from her, I did almost all house work instead of her. But her back never turned around to me. To her, every work turned to be only commitment. She didn’t appreciate my help anymore as time went by. I didn’t take her hands away from the brother and sister. All I could do was just wait to receive her embrace. The rock turned to be black, like sooted rock. My little and square metal also turned into the same color, but it became sharper than before. Even I just desperately sought her love, touching, a glance. GOD seemed never to allow me to get her back. Perfect isolation left me exhausted. The funniest thing was, even though my loneliness and blaming for her still existed, I couldn’t stay away from her. Even though I couldn’t understand about the meaning of maternal love, my life naturally existed because of her. Even I knew it just like trying to shake hands and catching something in the empty sky. My attitude as a daughter totally changed to the wrong way as I realized that I seemed pathetic and ridiculous. I was climbing the endless ladder. As time went by, as I sought her love, I avoided my commitment as a daughter. My absences at school suddenly rose up within a few days, and I came home late as much as possible. However, even with my misdeeds showed to her, I couldn’t make her back turn around. My sharp, sooted metal almost burned up with white fire, exhausted white fire. The useless lumps of metal indeed fell down to the bottom of my body. She began to hit me instead of focusing on me. Even thought she hit as strong as she could, I couldn’t feel any pain. The only one that I could feel was her concern while she was hitting me. It was just like vague lights under the dark. I was satisfied by her touching, even for a short moment. However, all of a sudden, certain change came to me. I could remember it was in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping; I could feel someone came into my room and sat down next to me. I knew that someone should be her because I remembered her smell as comfortable and soft, but that smell had a blue color. It was cold and seemed to fade away soon. After sitting, she suddenly put her hands on my bruised legs and began to pray with silence. Even though her mumble wasn’t as clear as I understood, I knew she was mumbling with a little bit of sobbing. Moreover, every prayer started with three words. “My loving daughter” secretly, carefully, these words shook me continually. My sooted metal was shaken inside the bottom of me as well. I eventually could feel that lump of metal begin to melt, and gradually it disappeared from my body. And then I realized her everything was filled with ashes which have been made by me since I decided to avoid her. I tried to pretend to fall asleep without bursting into tears in front of her. For ten minutes, she kept praying with using these three words after she finished praying. She kissed me on my forehead lightly and then left. At last, I put my head under the pillow and blubbered loudly. I realized her back didn’t seem like a gray, stiff rock anymore. On the contrary, her back seemed too small and effeminate to stand every hardship. After realizing how much hardship she went through alone, I desperately wanted to whip away her left ashes. That was just only one thing I could do for her in the last of my life. I eventually have gotten the only one hope from that day. Maybe someday, my mother will turn around and embrace me as strong as she can with a sweet and warm smell. I believe someday, her love will hold my hands as I become be filled up in her chest. I believe I can make her beautiful confession become a daily confession for me. Even though I’m not sure when the someday will come to me, I’m sure as I whip out all of her left ashes, the special and unforgettable confession would come to me with a bright shining glow.

I love you mother.