This I Believe

Ariel - Orange Park, Florida
Entered on May 6, 2007

I never thought I would have resorted to self-mutilation. It’s not one of those tasks you set your mind to, it’s not a goal. Before my freshman year in high school I never really thought of how feelings should be expressed. That subject never came up, due to the fact that drama didn’t exist. I guess everything changes in high school.

At the beginning of my freshman year everything seemed perfect: a best friend, and amazing boyfriend, and a 4.0 GPA. I felt the world in my hands. Soon things started to change and my appearance and personality altered right before me- but not for the better.

I found no difficulty in telling my best friend everything; if a problem arose I could just go to her. Of course, this opportunity didn’t last long. Usually I would run to her house and spill my guts, get comforted by her, and leave. But suddenly, she got grounded for the next 3 months. I needed a new way of letting emotions out.

Everyday I would come home and talk on the phone with my boyfriend for hours on end. Unfortunately, raising his voice and degrading me tended to overcome his good side. I never once received a compliment from him and by this point the constant battery stuck to me. One day he pushed too far and I couldn’t bear the struggle for happiness anymore. The heartache he caused me made me sick, but I couldn’t find strength to leave. My heart kept telling me to release the pain. So, I found a pair of scissors and started to cut my flesh. The tears flooded down my cheeks just as the blood poured down my wrists.

This was the only way of getting the real pain out. I know it may sound crazy, but it truly worked- for about a month. The self-mutilation I started soon became an addiction and I just couldn’t stop. No matter how bad things got, I felt I could always escape. Then, my mom found out and she sent me to a health clinic.

I then realized that feelings should be expressed in a completely different way. I began writing poetry and stories. Even though some were gruesome, nothing can compare to the tragedies of self-inflicted pain. Today, whenever I’m going through a difficult time I go out and take photographs. I believe that you should express yourself through the beauty of art.