This I Believe

Mathresa - Clearwater, Kansas
Entered on May 5, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: family, love, setbacks

It happened on Saturday July 9th 2005 we had been married for three years. I had lost my first baby Nov 2004. My

ex husband started acting extremely happy for some reason I asked him “What the hell is going on? I know there is something going on you are not usually this happy. Then it happened he said “Mathresa I am gay and have always been I have tried to ignore it but I can’t”. Well I immediately screamed “How could you lie to me for three years!” “We lost a baby together I have always been faithful to you. I took off my wedding ring and threw it across the room and said “I can’t do this I can’t handle this get out you fag! I called my parents then called his mother I told them and they couldn’t believe it. I thought I had found the man I would spend the rest of my life with I met my ex-husband Thomas on the internet I just broke up with a guy that cheated on me. The thing that caught my attention was his screen name Germaneyes20. It seemed like we immediately began to click we found out we had quite a lot in common. I asked him for his phone number he asked me if I was a big hairy man that was going to chop him up into a thousand pieces. I laughed and said no I am a woman not a man. He asked what is your name I said my name is Mathresa”.

We decided to meet shortly after that we met July 21, 2001 in Augusta outside a restaurant called Spears. I parked right beside his mom’s truck. He was sitting there with his mom waiting on me to show up. He got out of the truck after he introduced his mom to me he said her name is Michaela and that she is from Germany. We headed toward Wichita to have are first date.

We arrived at an old mall I could tell he was as nervous as I was. He didn’t say much I I asked “Would you like to meet my best friend Brenda and her boyfriend Brad. He said ok

We drove to mybest friend’s house we ate pepperoni and cheese pizza. My friend took me aside and said “What do you think of this guy?” We watched a movie in her room. In the middle of the movie I kissed him. We left my friends house headed back towards where he lived. I asked him “Did you mind that I kissed you he said “no it was fine it was unexpected. I drove off smiling as I headed back towards Wichita.

We later married the next year Feb 1, 2002 I help him get his citizenship. We spent the first few months living with my parents. We found a reasonable trailer right across the street from where his mom and sister lived. He transferred from the Spangles in Wichita to one in El Dorado.

Our marriage was not a bed of roses as I had hoped it would be. He really started to show his true self. He started to pick on me making fun of my clothes, weight, glasses, and anything else he could think of. I got so tired of him picking on me about my weight I went on the Adkins diet and lost 65 lbs but that wasn’t good enough. He treated me like a child not as his wife I felt hurt and afraid what had I gotten myself into. Then more abuse started he would break my ceramics by throwing them across the room when he got mad. He even started hitting me and shoving me and screaming at me saying that I was a fat lazy cow. He said “You don’t know how to cook, clean, or do anything.” It got even worse he threw my clothes and personal items outside and told me to get out. I felt so embarrassed I tried to get someone to listen to me, but his mom said this “My son loves you and would never hurt you” I couldn’t believe that she couldn’t see how he really was. My parents said it is your problem you have your own life.

I decided to take it upon my self and fight back and tell him “You can’t treat me like this I am your wife. He said “You may be my wife but you are a lousy one. When he started hitting I would hit back if he started breaking my things I would break his. It just made it worse I decided to pack my things one night takemy dog Bonnie who was a sheltie go towards my mother’s house in Wichita. I just showed up and said I can’t go back he treats me like a child and hurts me both mentally and physically. My dad and mom said “I am so sorry he saw some of the bruises on my arms and the tears running down my face.” He would call a lot at my work on the fourth day he said this “I am sorry please come back home I promise I won’t ever hurt you again.” I left shortly after that and headed back. I walked in and there were red roses with a card that said I am sorry and “I Love You” He kissed me I hoped in my mind that things would be different.

We moved to back to Wichita and found a two bedroom house. I became pregnant shortly there after I was so happy that I was going to have a baby. He seemed to treat me better he was not picking on me as much. It all seemed to be going okay we saw the heart beat on a sonogram and started to plan for the new arrival. I lost my job and my baby all in the same day I felt like god was punishing me Nov 8, 2004. My ex-husband seemed to become distant after I lost are child then the abuse started again more the mental then the physical. I felt all alone he became distant and ignored me

Then my life forever changed July 9, 2005 I asked my husband “What is going on?” “Why are you acting so happy?” I could tell he was in love with someone else just by looking at his body language. I said “Tell me the truth I am tried of you acting like this then he said with a pause “ I am gay and proud of it “ I immediately took off my wedding ring and threw it across the room. I screamed “How could you do this?” He just smiled and said ” I can’t live a lie any more.” I called my parents and his mom and told her she was devastated to find this out. I left and drove to my dads house and told them. I came back to the house with my dad to get a few things I needed I screamed at Thomas and said “I want you out Fag! He apologized to my dad and said “I am sorry but I could not live like this any more.” Of course my dad was civil and my dad said “Do you have another place to stay?” Thomas said “Yes I am going to going to stay with this guy I have been hanging out with.” I screamed “You cheated on me with this guy didn’t you? He looked down at the floor and didn’t say a word.

The next few days I decided to go back and put his things by the front door. I really hit bottom the phone would ring I wouldn’t answer and I would carry a liquor bottle around with me and cry. I felt like it was my fault that he was like this because I had lost his baby. My parents tried to comfort me but nothing worked. I decided two weeks later to ask my ex- Best friend Sandra to move in she said “Sure and that she would like to help me out. Then Thomas popped up one day and said “Smiling you know why we didn’t have a kid it is because I am gay.” I could feel my face getting red and angry I said “How could you say that?” We just lost are baby in Nov.” He just smiled and kept saying it I didn’t know what to do except say get out and don’t come back.

I am now divorced from this man and hope never to go through this experience again. I currently have been living with my fiancé Alan and his two little boys Alec 7 and Austin 8 for over a year now. I am so glad I met Alan. I have learned a lot over the past year or so about men not to be harsh.