I am not alone. This I believe.
This is vertigo. Everything inside of me is turning, swirling till no part of my soul is recognizable. There is nothing and no one left to cling to. I give myself over to it. I cannot make the sadness stop. It is pouring down my face, and as much I hold my breath and bear the sting of fighting it, the tears continue to overcome me.
I land despairingly in the Student Counseling office at school. I feel as though I have lost who I am completely. I feel alone, petrified, misplaced in my heart. I feel waves of heartache hit my stomach and it’s all I can do to fight the urge to run home to my bed and surrender to it. I bite my lower lip so the physical pain takes precedence to the internal struggle going on inside of me. I am falling.
“Elizabeth? This way please.”
As the door closes, the despondency rushes through my mouth. It pours into the small room and onto the counselor sitting across from me. I am telling a perfect stranger about my alcoholic mother, an absent father, a lack of love, an inability to trust, and being so heartbroken by a boy so careless, it hurts to move. The words soar off the tip of my tongue faster than the tears spilling down my cheeks. There’s no more pretending. I am completely and openly a mess. Twenty two years of loneliness and isolation are finally being exorcized. All the secrets I’ve held from myself are told. This is the most honest I have ever been in my life.
Another appointment is made for the following week.
Drying my eyes and stepping out in the warm September air, I sigh. It is the kind of sigh that originates so deep within you, it cannot be traced. It is my ultimate sigh of relief. It is the beginning of my long awaited absolution.
Though it took quite some time to accept, this I finally know:
It is ok to love. It is ok to trust. It is ok to love without ache. It is ok to let yourself feel. It is ok to be happy with who you are.
This I believe.
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