I Don’t Believe?
When first I heard about this assignment, I had many beliefs, however nebulous, to expound upon. When I actually sat down to write, however, all of those beliefs vanished. After an hour of futile writing attempts, I accepted defeat at the merciless hands of writers block and waited to resume until the next day. When I sat down the next day, however, I realized that I had the same problem again. This wasn’t merely writer’s block: this was something deeper.
I realized, in a rather ridiculous way, that I have no beliefs. The fact that I didn’t know this until it came time to produce said beliefs is pathetically comical to me. Now I can’t even utter those famous words “This I believe,” without an extreme feeling of incredulity and the strange urge write an inane MySpace post on a friend’s page. I don’t have a MySpace account.
I don’t believe in God, and unless I’m trying to piss off my parents, I’m not really passionate about not believing, so I can’t even use that as my stated “belief.” After all, atheism can only be a belief in its own right if one finds greater meaning in the lack of a God. I don’t. The fact that God doesn’t exist seems perfectly natural to me, like the sky or gravity, but I draw no belief system from this knowledge.
I am awed by the great expanse that is the universe, but I cannot explore it myself, and I am uninterested in merely studying it. Furthermore, I have no interest (or skill, for that matter) in developing technology that might enable space travel for future generations. Therefore, I am in no position to craft my deeper meaning in life from my grandiose notions of futuristic space travel.
I love music, and maybe I even believe in it, but people who believe in non-metaphysical things, such as music, tend to anchor them to some greater spiritual belief or moral code. I can’t really do that. I love music, but, for me, love of music isn’t something to found my life on. I can’t really call it a deep belief because I can’t tie it into a firm belief or ethical code.
Furthermore, perhaps as part of the human condition, or perhaps as part of my Christian upbringing, I have great trouble forming any beliefs based upon something that is tangible or real. I constantly form lofty goals and ambitions, such as world peace, subconsciously picking ones that will never be realized, only so that I may continue believing in them until I die. Sadly, even this fails, as I unwillingly see through the trickery of my own subconscious and reluctantly dismiss these grandiose notions as improper things to place my full trust in. Even though I might choose to pursue such things and even attain modest successes in them, I will still lack a firm belief to balance my life on. I don’t believe.
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