This I Believe

Rebecca - Westerville, Ohio
Entered on April 29, 2007

The Light in the Midst of Darkness:

Last June, I had the opportunity to travel to Tijuana, Mexico for a mission trip with my church. During the trip, we had to recite our testimonies to the church we were visiting. I had never really thought about my testimony, but as I started to write it, I realized how blessed my life is, and what I believe. I believe that God will love me for who I am, no matter what, for eternity.

Some time ago, I read some fictional stories about vampires. These books helped me to imagine my own stories about death, sin, and people trying to control the lives of others. My friends tried to tell me that the stories were bad for my well being, but I didn’t listen. By the time I finally realized that my friends were right, and these stories were leading me down the wrong path, it was almost too late.

Some people don’t believe in demons, but I do, because I have personally dealt with them. No, I couldn’t see them, but I could feel them, and hear them. I was afraid I was going insane, but I don’t think voices from insanity try to trick a person into committing suicide. For example, I had this nagging sensation that the characters I created were real, and that they were going to kill me, so why not do it first myself?

I already suffer from depression, and after a trivial fight over the undone-dishes, I started crying and feelings of uselessness yanked at my heart. In addition, the “voices” affirmed my belief that I was, indeed, useless. Among my craft supplies, I found an X-ACTO knife. I was very scared that night, but as I held the knife over my wrist and broke the skin, I felt something else. This feeling was pure light, enveloping my heart, surrounding me with love and hope on a level that I’d never felt before. I could almost hear a voice amidst the swirls light. I knew it was a voice other than that of the demons who egged me on. It whispered and shouted at the same time. It said, “Rebecca! I love you more than you can imagine!” Music also filled my head, forming the simple tune of “You Are My Sunshine,” a song my mom used to sing to me as a child. Then I felt arms, God’s arms, tightening lovingly around my shoulders. It was the feeling of being held, yet no one physical was there.

I realized instantly that this voice, this presence, was filled with love and compassion, for me! It was then that I decided it was worth living, and worth fighting, just to know this presence. That night, I re-dedicated my life to Christ, my savior, right there, knife in hand. I fell in love with the One True God that will always, unconditionally, love me forever.