Ever since I was about thirteen and a teacher told me I couldn’t because I am a woman, I have wanted to be a priest. Sure, this aspiration was created out of spite but it is an aspiration nonetheless and to it I am entitled. Theology has always fascinated me, from Christianity’s grace to Hinduism’s discipline, from Judaism’s traditions to Buddhism’s peace. I may be just sixteen, but those feelings of spite have grown into feelings of hunger for more knowledge about this being so many of us call God.
Next month I am being confirmed and from this action, naturally, come doubt. I feel as if I do not fit in with my school because I am far more cynical than the average student at my school, the Lipscomb-bound evangelical. Is having these many doubts about the Bible okay if I have such high spiritual aspirations? I am hoping so. I believe more and more each day that I learn from everything that passes.
I experience nature and it teaches me to live for myself, not for status quo. I pass a child on the street, who teaches me to take pleasure in the small things, like a sunny day. I see my dog playing in the yard, and I learn that it is okay to sometimes be goofy. I listen to music which makes me feel God. I go to church and I learn I am not done learning.
So, is it okay to doubt? Can I question? Can I say, “I don’t know, but I’ll learn” and be accepted? I’m counting on it.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.