The best part about America is our system of Stuff-Libraries. These are village-sized, climate controlled warehouses, where anyone, regardless of creed, color, or citizenship, can freely rent almost anything. Some countries have either local or national organizations similar to this, but limit checkouts to things such as books, and maybe books. On top of that, these rentals usually only last between 2 weeks and a month -and probably have already been used! Now compare that to the glorious American system: If I want a book, I can simply mosey over to my local Stuff-Library, grab something new, and keep it for up to ninety days without having to renew. This is, of course, just the beginning of the power of the American system. Since our selection of free stuff is not limited to merely books, all of the social needs of the nation can be fulfilled. Many other countries feel the deep, economic impact of a public sharing system based exclusively on books. Books are rarely able to feeds one’s children, provide personal transportation, or heat one’s home- but Stuff is. Food, vehicles, and other essentials for life are all provided freely, at convenient locations near you. It is true that you do have to supply a reasonable security deposit for your stuff upon checkout, but unlike an apartment, the entirety of your deposit is guaranteed to be returned no matter what shape the item is in.
Yesterday, as I rode my moped to class, I smiled as my teeth tore through the crisp flesh of a ripe, tangy apple. I had just come back from a day spent finishing some homework while lounging in my pool. My my $1500 laptop accidently slipped in, just like a fish, when I reached over to change the stereo. I laughed to myself as I pulled it out. The keys didn’t really work, and the screen kept flashing, until the color seemed to drip away with the pool water. I thought about how this simple accident could have ruined the day of the citizen of another country, where expensive items such as laptops didn’t grow on trees. The sun was bright, but I felt an even greater warmth growing within me as I thanked my creator for bestowing me with a life I the greatest country on earth. With the wind blowing through my hair, I felt safe and immortal. Everything I had, the laptop, the apple, the stereo, the scooter, the pool, and even the pool water- they were all free and infinite.
We have already made it to heaven, thanks to Wal-Mart’s return policy.
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