This I Believe

Oksana - Boyne City, Michigan
Entered on April 20, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50

The Endless Game

The rules of my favorite game are simple: try not to blink while looking in somebody’s eyes for as long as possible. If you train, you will have more chances to win. I have a favorite partner—Fear. Holding our breath, we look at one another, fighting in the longest game. I don’t want to lose. Not in the least. Nevertheless, I have superiority: Fear is weaker than my goals!

I am glad that I have met such a good partner. I respect his strengths. He is stronger than other feelings like Hope, Faith, or Trust. He grows, becoming very powerful, making the game full of passion and tension. The spirit between us, like a coach, says, “No rest! Look ahead! Don’t shut your eyes!” Fear is my motivation to find a useful grain in the present moment, to catch it quickly, discovering new power not only to plant and grow it, but to have a good harvest. If I stop, Fear will hide my opportunities father, and I will have fewer chances to win.

Fear of the dark moved me to look for light. After a car accident, I was afraid to become an invalid as my spinal cord was broken and my movements were locked. I fought with each day because I hated time. I heard music—it irritated me. I couldn’t touch the rain or see the clean leaves in the trees—it angered me. The fear of being angry with the world chewed my soul, like an ugly rat. I had to drive away that hungry animal. Why did I lie doing nothing? I felt as if my task in this life was not fulfilled. Who will teach my pupils? I began to develop plans for future lessons. Later, those ideas helped to win the competitions among local preschools. I was noticed and promoted. I disputed with the fear of disability because I wanted to have a future with light.

My son and I came to the US a year ago. Because this move has completely shaken our lives, I feel like I am bare: no relatives who take care of me, no close friends to whom I can open my soul, and no money to buy things. Fear of being lonely is building a labyrinth between two cultures to confuse me. It is trying to push me into a wrong corridor, scare me, and control my movements.

I must trick Fear. I decided to study more. My goals are to start a nursing program, get a degree, and find a job. I have to fight, to move, to think, to wish, to live, but not to simply exist.

I want to create more goals and look into Fear’s face again, to play with one who would scare me with Minotaur. No, Fear moves me forward to a correct exit from the labyrinth he is building.

If I win soon, I will have the right to repeat, “Fear is weaker than my goals.”