My mother died at forty-two, leaving me at the age of fifteen. The devastation of the loss left me feeling abandoned and alone. As the only child left at home, I found it very hard to communicate my feelings with another person because my only brother had moved on to start his own family a few years prior. Keep in mind that I am now in my late forties in life, and the grief that surrounded me when I think of growing up without her is profound. I have often pondered what my life might have been had she not been taken away from me so early.
My thoughts have often been of where I would be had this not taken place in the formidable years of my teenage life. The void that was left by her absence left many ill advised decisions on my part. Her guidance would have greatly influenced these for the better.
My father and brother were both consumed with the responsibilities of their own destinations, both being good men and helped as best they could through the traumas of growing up, but I dearly missed the loving presence of a mother. My mother’s side of the family helped out where they could, but try as they may, their efforts were of little importance as I was geographically dislodged from their presence. While I appreciated their help, it just wasn’t the same.
Life has been good to me! I eventually married and became the father of two children in twenty years. My children have grown to be very mature young men and responsible citizens. I am truly blessed and cherish the fact that the role reversal has begun. They try delicately to control my fixation to influence their decisions, with understanding and respect. They value and appreciate my guidance. I love them dearly.
Thus, I believe in the moxie of the human spirit and the freedom to express it. My mother’s death provided that freedom, painful as that was. The choices I made presented hard lessons many times, but I had only myself to blame. I am stubbornly independent, not always to my advantage, but in the long run my choices have led me to a good life which I enjoy today. Had my mother survived to know her wonderful grandchildren, chances are my life would be very different. While I have come to terms with this, I do so wish that I had the opportunity to find out.
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