This I Believe

Christina - South Woodham Ferrers, United Kingdom
Entered on March 25, 2007
Age Group: 50 - 65

I am a ‘seeker of truth’. I look for logic, for evidence, beyond mystery. It is not enough to just believe without reason.

Yet, my experiences have left me with the illogical, the mysterious.

About twenty years ago, when I was in my mid thirties and attending an Evangelical church, I experienced a series of strange wonderful life-changing sensations, which at the time, I described as far better than sex. They always happened in the depths of night; I would awake to feel a physical movement in my chest and an overpowering intensity of love that could only be described as bliss. My whole being, body, mind and soul, reacted in worship. This occurred for about 6 weeks then suddenly stopped, never to return again.

My logical mind tried to make sense of this. I concluded that there is a presence, entity, God, or whatever you would like to call this pure love. However, it changed my faith. This presence did not have any physical appearance, or identity. There was no sense of it being Jesus. Although I am in full agreement with the teachings of Jesus, a follower of his principles, rather than a follower of the man, I could no longer describe myself as a Christian.

Twenty years on, I’m left with believing that there is a spiritual being that loves me passionately, indeed, loves each and every one of us, but, where do I go from here?

Where did I go wrong? Why did this encounter stop? Was it my fault, was I too sinful?

People might cynically suggest that I had some great need; that it was self-induced hypnosis. At the time, life was relatively good, without any major problems; just the usual day to day struggles of making a living and bringing up a family. And, if it was down to suggestion of any kind, I would want the experience to stay with me, to repeat at it at will. Sadly, it hasn’t ever happened again.

I have been changed. I feel more love for people, but like them less. I no longer see organised religion as attractive in any way. I cannot reconcile the actions of its members with the messages they proclaim. I want nothing less than this real presence of God.

How to go back and rediscover paradise? Please tell me if you know.