I believe in the intangible.
Is it possible to believe without being able to articulate what it is you believe in? To have faith without a structure to define it?
When I was young I never told any of my boyfriends I loved them. I didn’t know what love was. I did tell who ever I happened to be involved with at the time that I had problems defining the concept of love. Sometimes it led to intellectual discussions about emotional capacity (or lack thereof). What it came down to was—because I couldn’t define the feeling, I couldn’t experience it.
Things have changed. My inability to feel love began to fade as soon as I stopped trying to pin it down, to control love by rationalizing it. When I had two babies I no longer had time to analyze my feelings before experiencing them. Emotions swelled, overflowed and now I roll with it. I savor it even.
Deciding to start a family on my own came easily. Raising a child seemed the natural evolution for my life. When I found out that clomid and two IUIs with the thawed sperm of donor 3473 had led to the successful implantation of two embryos… overwhelmed seems a succinct way to describe my reaction.
People who have faith—the ones who have a God and who know their God has a plan for them—say things like “we’re never given more than we can handle.” With caution I started to believe. I grasped at that bit of faith because I desperately wanted to be able to handle it.
With the help of extraordinary friends and family, I’m handling it. And I’m desperately in love with these babes.
Do I care that I can’t articulate exactly what I mean when I say I love them? Nope. I just do. And I have faith. Some force was at work when I found a job just when I needed it. With incredible timing the universe handed me a way back into a career I had left several years ago.
So now I can say that I love, now I can say I have faith. I can’t define precisely, even remotely, what that means but I feel it. Now I know that even with all the amazing good in my life I may someday be allowed more—I may be able to share all this ill-defined love and faith with a partner. I have the capacity for it, if not the words to describe it.
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