Do you know how some spam e-mail you receive have what appears random phrases and sentences put together in a paragraph that does not make sense? Well, the other day I received one of those e-mails and before I pressed the delete button I could read the phrase “Life is a bitch and then you die”. At first I chuckled but immediately I realized how the phrase synthesized what I believe.
I was raised up evangelical and feeling special and protected because God knew me and formed me inside the womb. The Christian religion taught me that God almighty, owner of the universe, knew me and cared about me. That gave meaning to my life. Then reality hit me with a 50-pound sledge hammer.
First I realized that we all are a freak chance of very unlikely probabilities. The single spermatozoid that fertilized the egg that was going to be me, had to wrestle with millions of other spermatozoids for the coveted spot on the egg. Those spermatozoids had to travel up my mother uterus and fallopian tubes through a hostile environment that kills most of them. Had my parents changed the day or the place they were using when they conceived me, probably I would not be here writing this essay. So much for being special.
And then I was born to a middle class family in the United States and grew up to be broke myself and living with a lot of longings and cravings.
I have to keep my 40 hours a week job to support myself and my family when what I really want to do is see the world. I wish I could study in an Ivy League college but I do not have the money or the time to do it. I have to wake up at an insane hour on Black Friday to save some money while Bill Gates sleeps on his silk sheets not worrying about special sales because he has all the money in the world.
And here I am, struggling through life, always wishing, always longing, while Prince William and Prince Henry are born to royalty by chance. And Paris Hilton is born to immense wealth also by chance. I don’t think that’s fair.
And since I believe that life is unfair and pointless, then why don’t I end my suffering and commit suicide? Well, I have a stronger believe which keeps me going. And that believe is that if life is pointless then I have to give it meaning myself. And that meaning is my family.
I live for my wife and children. When I see my children I can not bear the thought of them living without their father because he committed suicide. I try to enjoy the most with my wife and children. I do not bring work home. When I’m home, I try to spend as much time as possible with them. If the kids are making a mess on the carpet, I do not waste my time being mad and yelling at them; I just get a paper towel and clean it. If I get home and supper is not ready because my wife had a busy day with the kids, I just order pizza. My wife and kids are the ones who give meaning to a life that otherwise I feel would be unfair and meaningless.
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