This I Believe

Nancy - Salem, Connecticut
Entered on March 16, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: forgiveness

I believe in the healing power of forgiveness and a fresh coat of paint. There is an ecstatic symmetry between vibrant latex and the freedom one inhales after exhaling the anger and bitterness. Like the paint, true forgiveness cannot be neutral or earth toned. In order for a life to become renewed, the soul must choose a color that comes from deep within like tangerines, sunsets, glacial blues, otherwise forgiveness ends up resembling the color that came with the house, off white or light beige.

When betrayal came my way it brought with it an avalanche of emotional destruction. A sledgehammer tore through my chest and pieces of my heart fell in tiny unrecognizable pieces to the floor. Crimson flecks floated and quietly landed on the carpet, falling deep into the safety of the pile.

As the days passed, I slowly regained some strength but inside I was still seething with feelings of ill will and rage. I couldn’t understand the cruelty of this act committed against me. I had done nothing to deserve it and I couldn’t comprehend the actions of someone I thought I knew so well. Someone I have loved for so many years. It was if a callous stranger had entered my life. There was no rhyme or reason to the situation and it felt much like a tragic and sudden death; incomprehensible and screaming for an answer to the why question.

I didn’t realize how much forgiveness would free me until I felt the burden of bitterness lifted. I no longer had to carry someone else’s heavy weight. Once the words emerged from somewhere deep inside, where they had been buried by truckloads of fury, there was suddenly a lightness in my heart, a liberation of my vital organs. “I forgive you”

Three words I never thought I would be able to say to him and yet their utterance was a gift to myself. The voicing of them unleashed a sense of hope; a flood of renewing warm rain that showered my weary spirit.

It was months before I decided to paint the room. It is the room where I spend most of my time. I knew that if I was to be able to live in my house it would inevitably be the space that would remind me and so it became the room that would also need its’ own coat of forgiveness. I chose a color called Autumn Fields, a deep brownish orange that reminds me of Fall’s peak performance. I layered it with a sunset gold. When the sun shines through the window, you can almost feel the late October wind, can almost hear the crackle of leaves and can almost inhale the season of change.