This I Believe

Kristie - Portland, Oregon
Entered on March 11, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50

For the first time in thirty seven years I have learned to speak my truth. Like shrugging off of a weighted skin, I have shed a self imposed angst and I am free. With unprecedented clarity, I believe that my mind is my biggest hindrance as well as my most powerful reserve, and that knowing my own truth has been as elusive and foreign as speaking it.

This came to me in a simple conversation with a friend who often told me to speak my truth. I did not think about what that meant and my mind was too busy trying to understand why. Why am I still single? Why must my heart experience harsh rejection? Why, when people always tell me I deserve the best, does the “best” not come to me? Why do I feel I must protect and relieve my family and friends who are concerned about me; who wonder, albeit through care and concern, how I could possibly be happy and complete if I am alone?

My friend was casually telling a story about a woman she knows “She has a twelve year old son and has struggled through a number of nasty relationships….” Not even hearing the rest of the story, my usual course of self admonishment was set into motion: “At least her friend had been married,” was my familiar knee jerk reaction implying that she wouldn’t have the single stigma that I had so readily and frequently thrust upon myself. Further, I thought she was in a better place than me because she had done what she was supposed to do, even if every step along the way was out of poor judgment and misery. It was that moment that I realized I was actually pining for a life less content and certainly with more heartache than my own. I was envious of years of heartache at a minimum, of emotional, financial or unspeakable suffering on the other extreme.

Blessed by a life of love of family and friends even the boldest couldn’t ask for, of self comfort I do not see in others, of an independent spirit and of a calm disposition, I am incongruously driven to self pity by fears of what others must think. As for the whys, the better question is why do I care? Why do I need to be un-single in this moment when I am truly content? Would I be alive if I did not experience rejection? Who am I to say that what I have is not, in fact, the best for me at this moment? My truth was, and my truth is, I am happy in spite of my fears. Life not being what I expected is not the revelation; yet understanding that it doesn’t have to be is what sets me free. While I may still be defining my truths, one truth I know today: my happiness lies in my ability to define and to speak my unique and remarkable truth.