I believe in believes. I wake up every morning and live another day in the world of my believes. I get out of bed and look in the merrier believing I don’t look thin enough so no one will find me attractive. I walk out side every morning and feel sad because I believe I should be going to a better job and that I’m not successful enough. I get on the freeway and drive along side a better newer car and believe I should have a better newer car because that will mean I’m a better person. I get to work and see my coworker kissing her boyfriend goodbye and believe I should have someone to kiss me goodbye in the morning and that there must be something wrong with me. I get home from work and cook my self dinner, watch some TV and go to bed, and as I’m lying, tired in the dark under the sheets I believe I should be out and about at some great party right now having fun with some great friends. But I’m not, so I believe I have a bad life.
After asking a lot of people who know me, I realize that no one else believes that but me. But I’m the only one that counts. I didn’t even realize I had believes until I started therapy. I just accepted my reality as my reality. What else would it be? Am I not the person I am? I lived my life believing what I was told. The color red in red. If you get good grades in school you’re smart. You should have a boyfriend. Money is something you need. God does exist.
The day I realize I had believes I was 31 years old. It was the day I set my self free. “Wait, this is not really real?” I asked. “Because it feels real to me as you sitting across from me is real?” Slowly and very painfully I learned that I can choose what to believe in. Changing my believes was like moving a wall, impossible. So I started to build another wall next to the old one. Like the one that I’m smart even though I’m very bad in taking tests. And the one that I look very attractive to some people. And the one that I don’t need another person.
Today when I leave my apartment in the morning I take with me in one pocket my old believes and in the other pocket my new believes and the two of them argue all day long.
I think I’m going to need to get a new bag to carry around my new believes. They get bigger and bigger everyday.
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