IN THE MOMENT
I only remember still photo like pictures in my mind like the kind you see with only the center of the picture in focus. Death can do this too you especially when it’s your eldest son who you have spent 21 years of his life with. This boy, this young man never belonged here on this planet. He was to perfect, to smart to much a head of him self. I would always step back with this one. My son being the oldest of two of my boy’s to see controlled abandonment in action. I still recall conversations with my son where I would say hey you’re not listening to me! He would kind of smile at me and say dad I heard you its fine relax. This would only make me more angry and confused only to question myself did he not hear a damn thing I said? The day he died or night to this day I don’t remember just the phone call that came in the night. It was night some days later when I walked out of ICU out of the hospital into a cold dark parking lot. I sat in the front seat of the car on the ride home felt so numb. I had this feeling I wanted to shout out! Turn around I left something way to important back there to leave behind! Not one thing was ever said on the ride home or even in the house no lights were turned on. My now only son sat next to me on the couch saying nothing but hearing the soft sound of crying coming from his mom who lies fetal on her bed. To this day the sound haunts me she was not crying in pain a low soft moaning weep the sound of a mom’s soul dieing. You go into this damage control mode but all the while your thinking over and over what the hell just happen?. In some ironic painful way life was reborn through my son’s death I would trade this observation if I could to have him back. But I can’t but what I have learned to do is feel life not just live it anymore. I used to pick him up for breaks at the collage he was attending and the five hour ride home to mom and little brother is all he would ask about in the car. I being dad would always try to start conversations about school spending too much money and other worry sum things. He was never confrontational in his reply he would smile look over at me and say dad stay in it. It was some years later after his death that I found out what he meant after trying to heal my self through psychology classes. I took this class entitled “death and dying”. The professor one evening was explaining the meaning and the difference of “living for the moment and being in the moment. Parenting some how takes us out of the moment most of the time because we are trying so hard to protect our kids from things we can’t control. We some how let moments go by with out never being in them. I BELIEVE through the most destructive and painful event in my life and my families that we grasp precious moments as they happen and squeeze every ounce of life out them caused by a death.
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