This I Believe

Melanie - Johnson City, Tennessee
Entered on February 26, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: illness

This I Believe

I believe that one day depression will no longer affect me.

I am not sad. I am not blue. I am not having a mere bad day. I have clinical depression. My father has it. He passed it along to me. My family has suffered through his sickness with him, whether he realizes it or not. I used to have hatred for my father. His actions. His way of life. His depression. His use of it as an excuse for all I found fault with him. And then, too, I met lady depression. She tied my hands behind my back, and I felt the pains of what it truly felt like to have the world upon my shoulders.

I believe that one day depression will no longer affect me.

I am fragile. I am tired. I am easy to become sick and slow to recover. I want to hide underneath the covers of a closed room, with silence. Pure silence. And when this silence comes, I will think harder than I should. Dwelling. Longer, and longer. Words, phrases, movements. Everything under a microscope. Keeping it all inside until it nearly overcomes me. Drowning. Until a moment to explode. Tears, anger, realization, regression and finally, fear. Sometimes it will takes years to happen. And I will say or do things in the heat of the moment that I cannot take back. My apologies will be provided, but there is nothing to erase to history. The lady with the lock and key living inside of me isn’t always easy to tame, or nor is she easy to understand.

I believe that one day depression will no longer affect me.

I do not think the way you do. I do not see the world the same way as you. I do not live the way you live. And you, my friend, do not understand a glimpse of reality in my world, until you have lived it. And I wish this lack of understanding for you. In a world of depression, ignorance is bliss.

Sometimes, the cycle passes. My days are bright. And I try to forget the days in the shadows. I am a lover of the sunshine. I enjoy. I breathe. I live. And I believe that one day this will be my life. Living, breathing, enjoying. No cycle of darkness. Because that’s what we all deserve, isn’t it? A life without our hands tied behind our back.

Mothers & fathers. Brothers & sisters. Spouses. Friends.

Everyone is affected by someone with depression. It is no easy task to live with someone with depression. It is something that ruins relationships, ends marriages, builds hate, and breaks hearts. It takes time, forgiveness, and hope. Hope that one day, there will be no cycle of darkness. I have that hope, and it makes me believe.

I believe that one day depression will no longer affect me or the rest of the world.