A loved one has died. Why is my psyche healing after weeks of debilitating grief? Why is the grief subsiding after waves of nausea, depression and headaches; after bouts of incontinence, consuming painful heartache; after crying and screaming his name? Because now I believe he is where he is supposed to be. I believe he has merged back into that nameless thing that animates our bones. His soul came from and has returned to the divine spark that powers the universe whether in body or not. I attribute my healing to the belief that his little soul and all souls have energy that connect us to each other for good or bad. I believe that what I miss so much is doing the healing, and I believe in the mystery of life.
His name was Coodi, and he was a 16 year old big hot fudge sundae of a cat. His nose was pink, his tummy, bib and boots white, and he was tiger on top. He was chocolate, vanilla, caramel and cherry. He had a little line of dark chocolate on his lower right lip. The pads of his toes were salty, and were alternately grey and pink, or both! I called him my Candy Corn Toe Baby. He was long, lanky and languid. He gave me love blinks and nuzzle kisses. I could hold him like a baby, and must have kissed him thousands of times in his 16 years. He was a laid back and good natured flopsy-mopsy boy. He had 34 nick names and counting. Coodi died in our kitchen of a blood clot last month. I loved him so.
Coodi was a tough alpha kitten from the shelter, but at heart a real Mama’s boy, and we liked it that way! He was with me when I lost my father, mother, sister and his companion cat; when I divorced, sold my house, and moved to an isolated peninsula. He was there to celebrate the happy times too. Losing him makes me recall the old losses, and contemplate losses to come. Coodi was my solace and refuge from loneliness, depression, and all my shortcomings. His presence was a balm to my soul. His kindness, patience, love and forgiveness represented all that I could be. Coodi is still teaching me today. I miss him so.
Coodi and I held two opposing chambers of the same heart, his being the better half. Anyone who knew me knew Coodi. With his loss, I feel my mortal coil unwinding ever so slightly. Gone also is an era of my life. When he died, he took part of me with him to the unknown realm where every bit of flesh, fur and fiber ultimately surrenders its soul. When it’s my time to let go, I hope I can think of those who have bravely gone before me, and welcome the transition.
I believe that love, loss and the unknown are invisible parts of our physical lives that give us the power to endure and heal in spite of ourselves. Coodi is where there are no words or other metaphors to describe. His little soul has gone full circle, and is healing the hole in my heart. I believe in the healing power of the mystery of life, and I will always love him so.
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