This little girl who had leukemia once said that she wasn’t scared of dying but rather scared of time, not having enough time to get everything out of life she could. Not having enough time to leave her mark, to make a difference. It wasn’t until a year ago that time became my biggest enemy; it became a force stronger than any will power I had. It was the morning that my world changed. My grandma was dying. We never saw this coming, it just happened. The doctors gave her a week max. My mom and Grandpa were forced with the tough decision to either keep her here, trapped in this body, or let her go and leave us, her soul now free. We let her go.
That last week with her changed me. The value I put on each second of my life came to hold a greater importance. I sat next to her watching her breathe in the last few breaths she would get and thought about all the things she had given me. Most importantly being my faith; she taught me everything about God and why believing wasn’t an option but rather a must. She taught me to cook. Though my cooking ability never quite measured up, she would always smile and say “Man, that was good.” She gave me hugs and kisses, endless “I’m proud of you” statements, and her delightful cookies. But I felt gypped. I didn’t get to learn everything she had to offer. I didn’t get to show her everything I could be. I didn’t get to walk down the aisle and see her smiling face or watch her hold my child for the first time. All I got was 15 short years that I wasted.
When I found out she was going to die, I wasn’t scared for her. I wasn’t worried about where she was going or how she would get there. I feared for myself. Where did all my time go? Why hadn’t I spent more days with her? Why hadn’t I asked more and listened better? I found myself in the midst of all of these whys! I wanted to turn the clock back. Take every holiday for everything it was worth and treasure every phone call. But I didn’t have the power to do this.
I believe that there is only one thing in life to fear and that is time. Time is constantly ticking by. I take those close to me and cherish the time we still have together because in a blink of an eye, it will all be gone. I live my life in fear of time. I constantly think about what in the end matters most so I make the best of it. I will never know how much time I really have. I shouldn’t!! I know this constant fear keeps me living each moment to its fullest and taking the most from every experience.
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