At the core of the structure which is my belief, is love and kindness, compassion and understanding. I am skeptical about organizational views of God, from the church in which I was raised, to my education that continually rails against the thought. If it’s true that the middle path is generally the best, then I am somewhere in the middle. I believe that instead of trying to fight the middle, as I am want to do on numerous occasions, I am striving to embrace the middle. I believe I don’t need all of the answer right now. I believe I have more answers than I know about. I believe there is something to be said about avoiding conflict. At times, I regret many choices I have made, I even have big picture regrets. But, had everything not happened the way that it did, would I be where I am today? Might I have been a bigger, louder, better-known somebody? Perhaps, but probably not. What I regret though is not so much the path not taken, but the naivete of not realizing the beauty of where I was. Isn’t that ironic? As I am not realizing the beauty of where I am right now, right now. So what I believe, that is, the love and kindness, compassion and understanding that I feel is essential to genuine living, is something I must have for my own self first. Only then can I feel love, kindness, compassion and understanding for others. I have since forgiven myself for giving up on the things I’ve given up on, and forgiven myself for my own self-destructiveness. I don’t know if others have. But I know that because I have, I can go on loving those people, even if they can’t love me. It is difficult for me to embrace the present. I feel as if planning were in my DNA. But I believe that my personal work calls for me to see this desire to plan, this desire to know. To see it, acknowledge it, and go on. Hopefully not to my next plan, but rather to a place that is more full of contentment, than not.
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