This I Believe

Ashley - Springfield, Illinois
Entered on February 6, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30

This I believe I have confidence in me

When you look at someone, how do you know if they have confidence or not? I wonder what people think of me when they look at me. Is she sure of herself or is she insecure about everything? I look at my classmates and think that they are pretty and confident. I wish I could look and feel like them.

Since I can remember, I have always been insecure about myself. I was made fun of because I was larger than other kids were and couldn’t wear the same style of clothes they wore. The constant harassment continued into my high school years. The names I was called were unbearable and after being made fun of for many years, the words stuck with me. Every time someone made fun of me, my self-esteem would dwindle. After years of abuse, I had no self-esteem at all. I dreaded going to school everyday because I didn’t want kids to make fun of me anymore. I talked with my guidance counselor and school authorities about people harassing me, but they did nothing.

My father was responsible for my feelings of insecurity. He favored my sister more and even gave her more attention. He never included me in anything he did or anywhere he went. I wasn’t in sports and my sister was, so he seemed to have no use for me. My father added to my feelings of inadequacy when he would call me “fat” and “ugly” everyday and the horrible ways he treated me. I deserve better than that and I knew that.

There finally came a breaking point. I was at the edge. I was at the lowest point in my life and I didn’t care anymore. I wanted out of my life and I attempted to do that. After that happened I knew it was time to seek help. My mom and sister have always been there for me. They accept me for who I am. However, I felt I needed more. I was hospitalized and I went through a long period of counseling and medication. It was a very dark point in my life and one I don’t like to think about. However, it was a turning point for me.

For me being in therapy and taking medication is difficult to deal with and not to mention what brought me there. With the assistance of my physician, therapist, mom and sister, I can now accept me for me. It doesn’t matter to me what kind of clothes I wear. I believe that I am worthy of so much and have taken steps to achieve my goals. I was accepted to UIS and my GPA for the first semester was a 3.2. My mom and sister are there for me anytime I need them. My confidence and self-esteem are back. In the future, which I now have, I hope to be a lawyer that stands up for peoples rights and feelings, just as I now stand up for myself.